Catch Up #2D

The following is the journal entry that I wrote in my one notebook on Monday, January 23rd (the comments in brackets are added thoughts from me as I copy the entry):

God. . .I am the world's biggest idiot. Paranoia thy name is Lynn. (sigh) I hate being an emotional creature.

See, on Saturday I was in a blech mood from being "sick" all week and still hurting that day. Needed more sleep too. Mike was in a mood on Saturday when I met him at the flea market. I'd told him to come to the store later so he could get me food. lol Very demanding of me, I know. And cause I wanted him to do a few things for me. [interjection: I wanted him to pick up wrapping paper and a card for Jonathan's bday present but he didn't know that].

Well, he never showed up at the store. I called but he didn't answer. He didn't call back. So, I began to wonder if I'd annoyed him or upset him. Yeah, typical me behavior. It didn't help that I wasn't feeling well. [read: overly hormonal]

I thought maybe he would be home when I got there but he wasn't. [another insert: I'd given Mike a key to my place. It made sense for the sake of convenience since I work Saturday nights and this way he could just get in instead of waiting for me.] Part of me hadn't wanted him to be because I wanted to sulk (mope). And I knew that I needed sleep. But even though I could sleep in, I woke up at 8a. I was exhausted but my brain wouldn't listen. I'd been in bed by midnight but sleep was eh.

I got up to call Mike about church. Figured that if Jonathan had been right, and Mike had done another of his passed out marathons [this happened once before], he'd be awake by then. No answer.

Let me interject something here. [this interjection is not current thought but an original part of the entry] Part of me wasn't really concerned by this odd behavior. Deep inside I felt rather calm. But consciously I questioned this and began to wonder what it meant. Had I been fooling myself about my own feelings in this relationship? Did a lack of true concern mean that all of the gooey feelings were superficial? Or was this really a true relationship and I was just being an idiot for all of the previous questions? And Mike thinks that he overanalyzes things.

I left a message and attempted more sleep. But I'd no sooner end up in REM sleep than my conscious brain would jerk me awake. I gave up a little after 9a and called Jonathan. Left a message and called Val. Poor thing, I woke her up. I needed someone to tell me that I shouldn't just show up at his church.

Jonathan called me back while I was talking to Val so I returned his call when I was done. He was puzzled too by Mike's poofing. I told him that Val recommended I let Mike call me except for a call to him about what Jon and I were doing for his bday. I let him decide about that. Val also suggested I not get defensive and wait until I wasn't angry. Well, anger came and went -- I couldn't sustain it. Has to do with that interjected paragraph above.

Jonathan and I met for lunch at the Miyo's on Forest. He's been talking to a Jessica there. See, one of my former students is a manager there. We'd gone in two weeks ago and I told Jenny that we needed to find Jon a girlfriend. I figured she'd know people of the right age range,etc. She suggested Jessica who I had had as a regular waitress over at the Main location. Well, Jenny slyly gave Jon Jessica's number. They've been chatting since then so Jon knew that she was working lunch yesterday.

So, we had a good lunch. Jonathan had called and left Mike a message about where we were. I knew Mike wouldn't come. Jonathan liked his gift. I'd chosen a very nice super hero coffee table book for him from Mike and I. The card was a good one too. Thank God Kroger has a good Hallmark selection.

After that we met back at my place so we could come to the mall. (I was stuck working the kiosk this morning.) I needed a new watch battery and wanted my new day planner.

I hate that I was moody and depressed but. . .blech. Wish it hadn't happened on Jonathan's bday.

Then we went back to my place and Jon finished fixing my printer. He left about 6p because we both had stuff to do. I graded quizzes and cried a little. Ate dinner and watched some anime (Full Metal Panic -- Mike wants to dress us up as two of the characters for a conference). Then I cried some more and wrote desperate poems and the beginning of a depressing story. [erk I hate not editing that part out lol]

It's just that I've been wrong so many times before about a guy. I know Mike is different but. . .I've got these PTSD-like (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) reactions to work through. And I'm trying not to subject him to so much of that crap. I think the only thing that kept me from going over the edge are the memories of how we are together. I am so truly comfortable with him. So completely safe. Jonathan's right. . .I'm in love with him.

I was trying so hard not to admit that to myself. I had told Jonathan on Saturday night that I have been holding back on saying it out loud to Mike in those moments when I knew I felt it but he has said that I shouldn't hold back. If I feel it, then I should say it.

I haven't because. . .it's huge. And I don't know if he feels the same way. Will it matter if he doesn't say it back to me? Not really but it might be pushing things. I don't know.

Anyway, I did manage to sleep. I had told Jonathan when he called me around 9p (to tell me that he was going with Jessica and some of her co-workers to see Brokeback Mountain) that I was going to call him today at 11a to see what was up because waiting would be too hard for me.

I was ok when I got up. Pretty moderate mood though I was antsy to get the call over with. I finally broke down at 10:50a. Well, it was all fine. In fact, he was listening to my messages when I called. Turns out he was sick and had pretty well passed out for the entire weekend. His phone was charging in his truck and it didn't charge right anyway. Sheesh.

I was so relieved that I couldn't berate him for not calling. I did admit to being highly upset. And that I know I was silly for doing so but. . . . (sigh)

So it's all ok. I'm now in class at FJ and the students are doing their quiz. Mike, Jonathan, and I had dinner together at Fatz. Jon needed to borrow my mixer so he could make up some cheesecake for Jessica when she comes over to his place on Wed. night.

Mike might come over tomorrow night and make dinner for me. I have premade chicken from Publix that needs to be cooked up. Maybe I'll stop at Kroger on the way home for some veggies. I need more echinacea anyway.

I am so glad that I am just an idiot. We did get on him for not calling but it's all cool. Whew.