Ok, so, you saw me mention it an entry two or so ago and some of you have heard via phone or email: Mike and I are engaged. No, I don't have a ring but that's only because he's saving up for one. But we do have a date and plans in the works. I have decided that's enough to officially say that we are gonna get hitched. I don't have to make any major decisions for a while yet as the wedding is late next year, but I have been doing some girlie planning from time to time. One reason for the long engagement is that Val is getting married this October and I didn't want to clash with her. The other reason is that it gives us more time to save up for the date. I haven't decided yet if I'll create a separate wedding blog or just use this one. Probably do both. Vent here, plan there. lol
Anyway, one of my concerns has been the photographs. I really want to have the whole official portraits thing done. However, I hate having my picture taken. And while I have the hope that they will turn out to be awesome, I fear that I'll hate them too after spending good money. I was willing to let the hope side rule but now. . .well, tonight Michael was looking at my passport photo (I'd found it and a few others) and his response was, "You're really not very photogenic." Um, well, yeah. What he meant was that while my mouth was smiling, my eyes were anything but. They tend to have this wide, deer-in-the-headlights, intense look to them. He says that they don't show the happy, soft me. Well, no, they don't. One reason is because most of the time I'm not very happy at the moment of picture taking or I am having to 'pose' which just throws everything off.
So, I wonder, will this happen for the wedding photos? Mine and Val's?
Today must have been a picture day cause earlier I found out that JC Penney is offering 50% off their pics, free sitting, and free 8X10 for all mall employees. I'd been contemplating having engagement photos done -- you know, something I might actually like and consider putting online here too? But now. . .even though I am happy -- happier than I have been in a long time -- I wonder if my pictures will turn out well. (sigh)
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Special Anniversary
Ok, so today is a special day for Mike and I. No, it's not our first anniversary from the day we started dating. The official day for that was the beginning of last month. No, today is our "special" anniversary, as I'm calling it. Don't worry, I'll spare you intimate details. But I do want to reminisce for just a second.
See, as you know, I never thought I would find someone -- let alone someone who fits me so well. And a year ago our relationship was too new to know that we were really such a good fit. We keep looking at each other and going. . .wow, I can't believe it's a year later. lol
But one year ago we took that step which makes such a difference for people. Maybe the fact that we weren't teenagers in heat made it even more special. All I know is that night was magic. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't uncomfortable. We were a little clumsy but the passion was real. The tenderness was there. And the movies can so get it right.
Now, one year on and we're doing even better. We've settled in together and it just feels right. Neither of us has forgotten what it was like before, or even the difficulties in the beginning, but that just helps make what we have better. So, yes, sorry, we're happy coupling people. Thank God Val has someone too or she'd be about to murder me. (wink) Seriously though, I sound like a sap and I know it. Don't care who hears it. It works. We love each other. It's allll good.
See, as you know, I never thought I would find someone -- let alone someone who fits me so well. And a year ago our relationship was too new to know that we were really such a good fit. We keep looking at each other and going. . .wow, I can't believe it's a year later. lol
But one year ago we took that step which makes such a difference for people. Maybe the fact that we weren't teenagers in heat made it even more special. All I know is that night was magic. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't uncomfortable. We were a little clumsy but the passion was real. The tenderness was there. And the movies can so get it right.
Now, one year on and we're doing even better. We've settled in together and it just feels right. Neither of us has forgotten what it was like before, or even the difficulties in the beginning, but that just helps make what we have better. So, yes, sorry, we're happy coupling people. Thank God Val has someone too or she'd be about to murder me. (wink) Seriously though, I sound like a sap and I know it. Don't care who hears it. It works. We love each other. It's allll good.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
How Sad, Part II
I will spare you the details of the eleven years I knew Marc and Stephanie. That I will save for other places. Suffice it to say, the three of us were rarely friends with each other at the same time. Marc and I had a two/three year gap of not speaking to each other while he and Stephanie had a five year gap of not speaking. For clarification, I was friends with Stephanie the whole time. I stopped speaking with Marc during my last year of being friends with Stephanie.
My purpose here is to respond to Marc's email. Jami was so incensed by it that she felt compelled to write him one of her own. It is too funny and, I think, shows that I cannot be the evil bitch or him the long suffering martyr that Marc paints:
"How dare you act so uppity and righteous...I read your email to Lynn and I realized how stupid you are!!!! A person who has an affair, such as you and Stephanie have, certainly do not have cause to judge someone like Lynn. I knew you and Stephanie were assholes, but I had not realized the girth of your anal cavaties.
Your old friend
Jami
P.S. Stephanie has not told you the truth about why Lynn stopped talking to you or why she and Stephanie have stopped speaking..."
I nearly died laughing when she read it to me. I'm touched. I just realized that it gives you a little more info into the whole thing too. Ah, well, the whole story will out in some form or another.
Anyway, back to the hurtful email. And yes, it did sting for a little bit. But I have only myself to blame for setting myself up for pain. But it didn't last long. One reason was because I asked myself why I would let him hurt me again. The second was because Jami had me laughing too hard. Still, words have power and thus I will add my own so that I can be done with this.
I was going to address the Stephanie stuff first but. . .
Ummm. . .I haven't spoken to Steph since 2004 and him since 2003. So, there are no "actions" etc. from the past few years. If he means before that, well, ok, I guess he means: going to his wedding and being a supportive friend (despite being in love with him myself -- Stephanie refused to go and that explains their long silence), helping pay for his honeymoon (for which he still owes me a lot of money), listening to his endless rants about how xyz sucked with his life, helping him become friends with Stephanie again (that's what I get for being an idealist who just wants everyone to get along), lending him my car for a few months while I was in France because his had died and he and Adrienne had no money for one, and numerous other little things that I could list all in the name of friendship. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not a martyr. He was there for me when my father was ill (and I love Adrienne dearly for being there too). In fact, he was more there for me than Stephanie. He was a decent friend. He seemed to care and we had fun together. But. . .well, though I shut down the romantic feelings, I couldn't shut down the pain of knowing that no matter what, I was not good enough for him. . .even as a friend. That no matter how I tried, he just didn't care about me. Truly care. Marc once told me that he was a cold hearted s.o.b. who didn't really have any feelings. I didn't believe that at the time but I thing it was a foreshadowing. I've seen him be cruel but I have also seen him be kind. In the end, there was nothing but confusion and drama. I don't know who's "sexual tension" he was talking about -- his and mine or his and Steph's -- but I do know that when I returned from France, I no longer had any of the old feelings left for him. It threw me off balance. If he's talking about him and Steph, well, it's pure denial. I don't know that they ever had a physical affair but, mentally, they were all over each other. And I got to hear both ends so I know. He can deny it, but there you have it. He was a married man with a child who was making those he supposedly loved miserable with his indecision. He was trying to balance it all and failing. I didn't help matters any. I know that. I had actually tried to sever ties with him right after he starting speaking with Stephanie again. That time I actually wrote to him about why. But he talked me into staying his friend. So, I tried. It just didn't work. And I was bone tired from the drama and I didn't like who I was around him. He'd trod on me long enough and I needed to take care of me.
I know, you're going to ask why I would try and contact him again if that's how I felt. Why? Because I hated just walking away quietly. It just didn't feel final enough. I knew he wouldn't try and make contact with me. So, I was unsurprised when I never heard from him. I asked Steph not to talk about him to me for a while and I think that is what really started our own decline. Funny, but she had asked the same of me years before. Wonder if she remembers that. Probably not cause I know she hated being asked not to talk about him. Eventually she had to because he became too much a part of her life. And I didn't say a word when she started to talk about him. I was ok with it.
I am not surprised that Steph doesn't want to be in contact. She is the one who stopped talking to me. I wish that her last letter to me wasn't packed away but I do remember some of it. She admonished me for telling her some personal things -- which, if she was my best friend, I should have been able to tell her -- because she found the conversation repulsive. Ok, one of the things was probably over the top but it was also part of our jokes and I seem to recall her telling me some of the same things in the past. But I guess what was ok for her was not ok for me. And she kept censuring even "normal" topics like crushes on guys. At the time, I could see where she was coming from because it must have always seemed like I was enamored of someone or pining away for a guy but there were no options. I can see that getting tiresome. Of course, whenever she was fixated, I heard endless talk about it so it wasn't just me. Problem was, she hadn't had a man in her life for quite a while. Then she starts speaking with Marc -- a friend she had fallen in love with years before -- and so there was going to be no one else. But that was just one of the topics. Steph didn't want to hear about my classes or teaching or anything like that. I tried hard to find conversations for us to talk about to try and cheer her up but she just didn't care. Part of that was due to depression and pain. I tried to help her find solutions but she didn't want to hear that either. What was I to do? She also made a life choice that I could not comment on at all for fear it would start a fight. Our relationship deteriorated rapidly. Despite what Marc says in his email, I did care greatly about her. And I did try and help. But it was like walking on eggshells around her. After a while, I gave up trying. And our conversations stopped being just that. There was so much dead silence that the calls became painful. But there was another reason that I gave up trying. . .she told me flat out that the only person who could help her was Marc. That he was the only person she needed. Stephanie shut me out. Then she wrote me this letter which basically told me that I either do xyz and become an automaton, or we were going to be over. She ended the letter with an expectation of me calling her. I sent her a reply card instead that was very simple. Why? Because I didn't know what else to say. She had told me she didn't need anyone but Marc so when I gave her space, she got mad at me. Was I suppose to fight? Beg? Plead? I didn't know what she wanted from me. I continued sending her ecards, etc. but eventually she blocked me. I was very hurt when she did that but I didn't try and call her because I assumed that she would just ignore me. So, she can be pissed and hurt and all that but I am not the one who walked away. I miss our long conversations and stuff -- from the time when I was in France to before. I want only what is best for her. If she sees my not being her friend as a good thing, then what else can I do?
Yes, maybe Marc was right in his barb, "Intelligent and rational people learn from their mistakes. We have. Neither one of us is doomed to let history repeat itself." I suppose I am not an intelligent and rational person because I was setting myself up to let history repeat itself. I had no idea that they harbored such hatred for me. Hurt, yes. Even anger. But such malice? They hurt each other so much -- did things to each other that are so far above anything I did -- yet they can forgive. But I think I understand. . .in their warped sense of betrayal over me, they can have another common thread. Jami called it triangulation. And you know what? That's always been the pattern for Marc. He's always had at least two women vying for his attention at any given time. I don't know why. He feeds off of it. I don't know what us women get. Well, at least some things never change. The truth gets buried beneath more lies and pride wins out.
Let them wallow in whatever they have found. I really do hope that they have found happiness and less pain. If Stephanie ever wanted to talk again, I would do so with her. As for Marc, I said years ago that I had wasted too many years on him. I will waste no more.
My purpose here is to respond to Marc's email. Jami was so incensed by it that she felt compelled to write him one of her own. It is too funny and, I think, shows that I cannot be the evil bitch or him the long suffering martyr that Marc paints:
"How dare you act so uppity and righteous...I read your email to Lynn and I realized how stupid you are!!!! A person who has an affair, such as you and Stephanie have, certainly do not have cause to judge someone like Lynn. I knew you and Stephanie were assholes, but I had not realized the girth of your anal cavaties.
Your old friend
Jami
P.S. Stephanie has not told you the truth about why Lynn stopped talking to you or why she and Stephanie have stopped speaking..."
I nearly died laughing when she read it to me. I'm touched. I just realized that it gives you a little more info into the whole thing too. Ah, well, the whole story will out in some form or another.
Anyway, back to the hurtful email. And yes, it did sting for a little bit. But I have only myself to blame for setting myself up for pain. But it didn't last long. One reason was because I asked myself why I would let him hurt me again. The second was because Jami had me laughing too hard. Still, words have power and thus I will add my own so that I can be done with this.
I was going to address the Stephanie stuff first but. . .
Ummm. . .I haven't spoken to Steph since 2004 and him since 2003. So, there are no "actions" etc. from the past few years. If he means before that, well, ok, I guess he means: going to his wedding and being a supportive friend (despite being in love with him myself -- Stephanie refused to go and that explains their long silence), helping pay for his honeymoon (for which he still owes me a lot of money), listening to his endless rants about how xyz sucked with his life, helping him become friends with Stephanie again (that's what I get for being an idealist who just wants everyone to get along), lending him my car for a few months while I was in France because his had died and he and Adrienne had no money for one, and numerous other little things that I could list all in the name of friendship. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not a martyr. He was there for me when my father was ill (and I love Adrienne dearly for being there too). In fact, he was more there for me than Stephanie. He was a decent friend. He seemed to care and we had fun together. But. . .well, though I shut down the romantic feelings, I couldn't shut down the pain of knowing that no matter what, I was not good enough for him. . .even as a friend. That no matter how I tried, he just didn't care about me. Truly care. Marc once told me that he was a cold hearted s.o.b. who didn't really have any feelings. I didn't believe that at the time but I thing it was a foreshadowing. I've seen him be cruel but I have also seen him be kind. In the end, there was nothing but confusion and drama. I don't know who's "sexual tension" he was talking about -- his and mine or his and Steph's -- but I do know that when I returned from France, I no longer had any of the old feelings left for him. It threw me off balance. If he's talking about him and Steph, well, it's pure denial. I don't know that they ever had a physical affair but, mentally, they were all over each other. And I got to hear both ends so I know. He can deny it, but there you have it. He was a married man with a child who was making those he supposedly loved miserable with his indecision. He was trying to balance it all and failing. I didn't help matters any. I know that. I had actually tried to sever ties with him right after he starting speaking with Stephanie again. That time I actually wrote to him about why. But he talked me into staying his friend. So, I tried. It just didn't work. And I was bone tired from the drama and I didn't like who I was around him. He'd trod on me long enough and I needed to take care of me.
I know, you're going to ask why I would try and contact him again if that's how I felt. Why? Because I hated just walking away quietly. It just didn't feel final enough. I knew he wouldn't try and make contact with me. So, I was unsurprised when I never heard from him. I asked Steph not to talk about him to me for a while and I think that is what really started our own decline. Funny, but she had asked the same of me years before. Wonder if she remembers that. Probably not cause I know she hated being asked not to talk about him. Eventually she had to because he became too much a part of her life. And I didn't say a word when she started to talk about him. I was ok with it.
I am not surprised that Steph doesn't want to be in contact. She is the one who stopped talking to me. I wish that her last letter to me wasn't packed away but I do remember some of it. She admonished me for telling her some personal things -- which, if she was my best friend, I should have been able to tell her -- because she found the conversation repulsive. Ok, one of the things was probably over the top but it was also part of our jokes and I seem to recall her telling me some of the same things in the past. But I guess what was ok for her was not ok for me. And she kept censuring even "normal" topics like crushes on guys. At the time, I could see where she was coming from because it must have always seemed like I was enamored of someone or pining away for a guy but there were no options. I can see that getting tiresome. Of course, whenever she was fixated, I heard endless talk about it so it wasn't just me. Problem was, she hadn't had a man in her life for quite a while. Then she starts speaking with Marc -- a friend she had fallen in love with years before -- and so there was going to be no one else. But that was just one of the topics. Steph didn't want to hear about my classes or teaching or anything like that. I tried hard to find conversations for us to talk about to try and cheer her up but she just didn't care. Part of that was due to depression and pain. I tried to help her find solutions but she didn't want to hear that either. What was I to do? She also made a life choice that I could not comment on at all for fear it would start a fight. Our relationship deteriorated rapidly. Despite what Marc says in his email, I did care greatly about her. And I did try and help. But it was like walking on eggshells around her. After a while, I gave up trying. And our conversations stopped being just that. There was so much dead silence that the calls became painful. But there was another reason that I gave up trying. . .she told me flat out that the only person who could help her was Marc. That he was the only person she needed. Stephanie shut me out. Then she wrote me this letter which basically told me that I either do xyz and become an automaton, or we were going to be over. She ended the letter with an expectation of me calling her. I sent her a reply card instead that was very simple. Why? Because I didn't know what else to say. She had told me she didn't need anyone but Marc so when I gave her space, she got mad at me. Was I suppose to fight? Beg? Plead? I didn't know what she wanted from me. I continued sending her ecards, etc. but eventually she blocked me. I was very hurt when she did that but I didn't try and call her because I assumed that she would just ignore me. So, she can be pissed and hurt and all that but I am not the one who walked away. I miss our long conversations and stuff -- from the time when I was in France to before. I want only what is best for her. If she sees my not being her friend as a good thing, then what else can I do?
Yes, maybe Marc was right in his barb, "Intelligent and rational people learn from their mistakes. We have. Neither one of us is doomed to let history repeat itself." I suppose I am not an intelligent and rational person because I was setting myself up to let history repeat itself. I had no idea that they harbored such hatred for me. Hurt, yes. Even anger. But such malice? They hurt each other so much -- did things to each other that are so far above anything I did -- yet they can forgive. But I think I understand. . .in their warped sense of betrayal over me, they can have another common thread. Jami called it triangulation. And you know what? That's always been the pattern for Marc. He's always had at least two women vying for his attention at any given time. I don't know why. He feeds off of it. I don't know what us women get. Well, at least some things never change. The truth gets buried beneath more lies and pride wins out.
Let them wallow in whatever they have found. I really do hope that they have found happiness and less pain. If Stephanie ever wanted to talk again, I would do so with her. As for Marc, I said years ago that I had wasted too many years on him. I will waste no more.
How Sad, Part I
Well, if you haven't read the "Missing Friends" entry below, read that one before this so that you're up to speed.
Despite my reservations, I wrote to Marc. Jami thought it was a good idea even though Val didn't. I wasn't sure but needed confirmation as to whether or not something bad had happened to Stephanie. Here's the main part:
"Hi. I recently sent Stephanie a snail mail card and got it back on Saturday marked as "Not deliverable as addressed - unable to forward." Do you know why? I've been worried about her because of everything that was happening the last time we spoke. "Refused" would have let me know she doesn't want to talk to me but this has me concerned that it's something else.
Look, a lot of shit happened a few years ago. We all know that. I am not popping back up expecting things to be all sunshine and easiness. I made mistakes. We all made mistakes. The point comes down to, as Jami says, us having a shared history and friendship. Why it couldn't have been easier, I have no idea. But as I said in the ecard, it's a new year. You can either take that for the simple way I mean it or we continue as we now are.
If you simply want to answer my question above without further contact, that's fine. If you'd like to try and be friends again (third times the charm), that's fine too. If it's the latter, I would prefer to discuss stuff via phone rather than this way but whatever works for you. I don't know if you tried calling but I haven't been home much. This week is way more open (vacation week) so just include a day and time in your response if you want to talk and I'll be available." You'll notice that there is no direct apology for the past. I had preferred to do that via voice.
I figured Marc wouldn't answer. Jami thought he would and be horrible about it. She was right. His reply email was very nasty. Now, the good thing is that he replied. But he could have kept it simple. Instead, it is written with the clear intention of hurting:
"Steph has moved. Per her wishes, I will not release her new address. You need not worry about either of us. Based on your actions, words, and attitudes of the past few years, we have both decided that it was obvious that whatever friendship was there was dead. We woudl both like to keep it that way.
We hav all made mistakes, but some mistakes show intent and are unforgivable. You dropped me like a hot rock because of some perceived sexual tension that you could no longer stand. Where you got that delusion from, I have no idea. Steph dropped you
because you never did seem to care about what was really going on with her a your supposedle "best" friend.
Give it up. We do have a shared history, and that's fine. Intelligent and rational people learn from their mistakes. We have. Neither one of us is doomed to let history repeat itself.
If this does not provide a proper answer, then I don't know what will. This is the last time I will address this subject, as well as the last time I will address you.
Be well, if you can."
Yes, the typos are his own. Guess spell check is a foreign concept. Oops, that came out a little nasty, sorry.
My response back to him:
"That's fine. This is my last email/contact to you.
I can't decide if it's sad or nice to see that some things never change. Since you never asked me why I stopped talking to you, then you have no idea about the real reasons. As for Stephanie, I didn't stop talking to her, that was her choice. I tried to help her as best I could and tried to be a shoulder for her but all she wanted was you. She even told me so -- that no one mattered but you to her. It's hard to be a friend when you're shut out.
"Be well if you can"? lol Honey, I am more well than I have ever been. I am very happy right now. No, my life isn't without some problems but I am doing well overall. I have regretted for years what happened between us all and simply wanted to apologize for hurting either of you if I did. I didn't expect an apology from either of you though I had hoped that maybe we could all be adults finally. Obviously I still harbor some delusions.
Tell Stephanie that hope all is well with her. My letter was simply my keeping my promise to her back at Beaver when we said that we would let each other know about our first times. I have a wonderful man in my life who is more right for me than I ever thought to find. We plan on marrying next year. Should you want to know about my life without contacting me, well, you have my blog address.
I hope that the two of you have found happiness and good fortune. I hope that you will do so in the future. My door will never be locked to either of you should you wish to say hello. For now though, it is closed upon the past and my only regret is that I will not know either of you in the future."
Ok, that's really long so I am going to write my internal monologue as a separate entry.
Despite my reservations, I wrote to Marc. Jami thought it was a good idea even though Val didn't. I wasn't sure but needed confirmation as to whether or not something bad had happened to Stephanie. Here's the main part:
"Hi. I recently sent Stephanie a snail mail card and got it back on Saturday marked as "Not deliverable as addressed - unable to forward." Do you know why? I've been worried about her because of everything that was happening the last time we spoke. "Refused" would have let me know she doesn't want to talk to me but this has me concerned that it's something else.
Look, a lot of shit happened a few years ago. We all know that. I am not popping back up expecting things to be all sunshine and easiness. I made mistakes. We all made mistakes. The point comes down to, as Jami says, us having a shared history and friendship. Why it couldn't have been easier, I have no idea. But as I said in the ecard, it's a new year. You can either take that for the simple way I mean it or we continue as we now are.
If you simply want to answer my question above without further contact, that's fine. If you'd like to try and be friends again (third times the charm), that's fine too. If it's the latter, I would prefer to discuss stuff via phone rather than this way but whatever works for you. I don't know if you tried calling but I haven't been home much. This week is way more open (vacation week) so just include a day and time in your response if you want to talk and I'll be available." You'll notice that there is no direct apology for the past. I had preferred to do that via voice.
I figured Marc wouldn't answer. Jami thought he would and be horrible about it. She was right. His reply email was very nasty. Now, the good thing is that he replied. But he could have kept it simple. Instead, it is written with the clear intention of hurting:
"Steph has moved. Per her wishes, I will not release her new address. You need not worry about either of us. Based on your actions, words, and attitudes of the past few years, we have both decided that it was obvious that whatever friendship was there was dead. We woudl both like to keep it that way.
We hav all made mistakes, but some mistakes show intent and are unforgivable. You dropped me like a hot rock because of some perceived sexual tension that you could no longer stand. Where you got that delusion from, I have no idea. Steph dropped you
because you never did seem to care about what was really going on with her a your supposedle "best" friend.
Give it up. We do have a shared history, and that's fine. Intelligent and rational people learn from their mistakes. We have. Neither one of us is doomed to let history repeat itself.
If this does not provide a proper answer, then I don't know what will. This is the last time I will address this subject, as well as the last time I will address you.
Be well, if you can."
Yes, the typos are his own. Guess spell check is a foreign concept. Oops, that came out a little nasty, sorry.
My response back to him:
"That's fine. This is my last email/contact to you.
I can't decide if it's sad or nice to see that some things never change. Since you never asked me why I stopped talking to you, then you have no idea about the real reasons. As for Stephanie, I didn't stop talking to her, that was her choice. I tried to help her as best I could and tried to be a shoulder for her but all she wanted was you. She even told me so -- that no one mattered but you to her. It's hard to be a friend when you're shut out.
"Be well if you can"? lol Honey, I am more well than I have ever been. I am very happy right now. No, my life isn't without some problems but I am doing well overall. I have regretted for years what happened between us all and simply wanted to apologize for hurting either of you if I did. I didn't expect an apology from either of you though I had hoped that maybe we could all be adults finally. Obviously I still harbor some delusions.
Tell Stephanie that hope all is well with her. My letter was simply my keeping my promise to her back at Beaver when we said that we would let each other know about our first times. I have a wonderful man in my life who is more right for me than I ever thought to find. We plan on marrying next year. Should you want to know about my life without contacting me, well, you have my blog address.
I hope that the two of you have found happiness and good fortune. I hope that you will do so in the future. My door will never be locked to either of you should you wish to say hello. For now though, it is closed upon the past and my only regret is that I will not know either of you in the future."
Ok, that's really long so I am going to write my internal monologue as a separate entry.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
(Sigh)
Well, I just turned into one of those customers that you dread dealing with. Had a problem with the bank. And the woman on the other end just wasn't seeing the logic of what I was saying. She contradicted something told to me a while ago by another bank person. Seems instantaneous isn't that. And here's the other sucky thing. . .they don't list details with your online statement. They just list things and not even in the exact order that they happen. So, while she could tell me what time I did a transfer to keep things from going rubbery, she wouldn't look and see what I was talking about as far as the real order of things. What pissed me off and caused me to do something (hang up without a bye your leave) I never do? 1) She tried to backpedal as to why certain things went haywire. 2) She contradicted herself on postings and holds. 3) She tried to use psychology on me in a placating and less than sincere tone ("I understand how you feel"). Grrrr Do I feel bad that I hung up the phone after saying, "Oh, I understand, you're just trying to take my money."?? Yeah That was soooo mature. Think I just used up all my customer karma points on that one. Was I trying to get the fees removed? Well, yeah. I had done what I was supposed to do in order to avoid the damn things and yet they happened anyway! All because their stupid rules keep changing. I covered my ass before midnight when the rubber tree would have grown up. But that wasn't good enough apparently. (sigh) They get you any way that they can, non? Know what's even worse? I can see both sides of this issue and that sucks.
Vacation
So, yeah, I'm technically on vacation right now. One perk of becoming the assistant manager is that I get personal days and two weeks of paid vacation a year. It took three months for personal time which is accrued at a rate of four hours per month. I don't think this is a heck of a lot of sick days but I guess they figure 6 a year is fair. Sounds like a lot when you say it together but it takes a year just to get them. Fortunately, those roll over to the next year. However, it took six months for the vacation time to kick in. They have those accrue at an accelerated rate. Here's the conundrum: because of when I started as assistant (April), my vacation accrual time didn't start until November, one of two blackout months. Despite this problem, I have to take at last a week of my vacation time or I lose it. I can only carry over 40 hours of vacation time because of when I started. Well, hell, I'm not losing that! So, here I am, writing to you.
Actually, the timing is good. I need a week's recuperation and time away from the store. And Lord knows that despite the stress, I need to be dragged away from the place. Heck, I've already done some work this week for the place because I have an impending book fair and the person only just contacted me via email this week. What am I doing with my time? Sleeping and finally getting the house organized! On Monday I did errands and worked on the bedroom. Yesterday, I cleaned my office and the bathroom. Today I start on the kitchen. That's gonna be a two day job, I think. Depends. I think most of what is in the kitchen is books but I'll see. Washed some of the dishes this morning and put the clean clothes away. All the dirty stuff is now in the baskets instead of on the floor. So, I'm off to a good start.
Mike has turned me into quite the little domestic. lol Yeah, right. He's almost as bad as I am about doing stuff. His capacity to ignore things is amazing. I hit a point where I can't stand it any more. Actually, that point came a loooong time ago but since I didn't have time to do anything about it. . .I suffered in grumpiness. I doubt the spare bedroom will get done this week but at least we'll be able to use our kitchen and living room as they were meant to be used and not as storage spaces. Then we'll actually be able to have people over! No one has seen the place except for the people who helped us move.
Well, I best get to it then. I'll keep you updated.
Actually, the timing is good. I need a week's recuperation and time away from the store. And Lord knows that despite the stress, I need to be dragged away from the place. Heck, I've already done some work this week for the place because I have an impending book fair and the person only just contacted me via email this week. What am I doing with my time? Sleeping and finally getting the house organized! On Monday I did errands and worked on the bedroom. Yesterday, I cleaned my office and the bathroom. Today I start on the kitchen. That's gonna be a two day job, I think. Depends. I think most of what is in the kitchen is books but I'll see. Washed some of the dishes this morning and put the clean clothes away. All the dirty stuff is now in the baskets instead of on the floor. So, I'm off to a good start.
Mike has turned me into quite the little domestic. lol Yeah, right. He's almost as bad as I am about doing stuff. His capacity to ignore things is amazing. I hit a point where I can't stand it any more. Actually, that point came a loooong time ago but since I didn't have time to do anything about it. . .I suffered in grumpiness. I doubt the spare bedroom will get done this week but at least we'll be able to use our kitchen and living room as they were meant to be used and not as storage spaces. Then we'll actually be able to have people over! No one has seen the place except for the people who helped us move.
Well, I best get to it then. I'll keep you updated.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Missing Friends
Ok, so a few years ago I walked away from one friend and let another just slip out of my life. I had various and asundry reasons for doing so. Was it the best move? I don't know. At the time it seemed like the right way to handle things. I'd kind of reached a turning point with the two and things were just way too stressful between us.
The first one. . .well, Marc had hit my angry button. Problem was, it was staying pushed. I just couldn't seem to get past certain things that were happening and certain feelings of frustration, etc. The situation was turning me into a sniping bitch. And that was someone I didn't want to be. So I walked away without saying a word. Probably not a mature decision but it didn't really seem to matter at the time to him whether I stayed or not. Of course, I don't know that for sure because the second friend, Stephanie, is the one who told him about my decision. I have no idea what was ever said to him but I needed some space and time to figure some stuff out. We had been pretty good friends and I miss our comaraderie. I regretted severing ties with Marc's wife, Adrienne, because we'd become friends but I really didn't know how to deal with the situation without causing more grief all around.
Steohanie was going through a lot of crap. We were having some major problems in our friendship due to stuff with Marc and a change into separate directions in our lives. I regret some of the things I said in their joint presence. My only excuse is that I was jetlagged and annoyed. And it wasn't all about them. As for why I let her walk away, well, I was tired of trying to please her when nothing I said or did was right. Anything I did do that was supportive was not viewed that way. Stephanie was wrapped up in her own pain (mental and physical) and just couldn't get out of it. I did try and help but I was not wanted. She wrote me an angry letter but there was nothing I could really say in response that would make her happy. So I sent a simple reply. After that she shut me out by blocking my general emails, etc.
Why bring this up now? Well, I recently tried to contact each of them. Over the past few years I have thought about them each a lot and wondered how they were. I hate to lose friends and the way that I parted with each was not done very well. It has left a sour taste in the back of my throat and regrets swimming in my head. I sent Marc an ecard that spoke of a new year coming up and new beginnings. He has not written. I am not really sure why I made the move except that for almost two weeks, every time I turned on the radio, I would hear this one song I always associate with Marc. It drove me bonkers. It's funny how I haven't heard it once since. As for Stephanie, I sent a real snail mail card to her parent's house because it's the only place I know of where she could get mail. Well, it came back today with a return to sender sticker on the front. The reasoning is "Not deliverable as addressed - unable to forward." Not sure what this means. Did she reject the letter? If so, why choose that option? There is an "Other" choice. There is also a hand written "UTF" which is "Unable to Forward." So I'm a bit confused. I wrote to her because I needed to fulfill a promise from years ago. And yes, I miss her. So now I don't know what to do.
Do I let this drop and have them be forever in the past?
The first one. . .well, Marc had hit my angry button. Problem was, it was staying pushed. I just couldn't seem to get past certain things that were happening and certain feelings of frustration, etc. The situation was turning me into a sniping bitch. And that was someone I didn't want to be. So I walked away without saying a word. Probably not a mature decision but it didn't really seem to matter at the time to him whether I stayed or not. Of course, I don't know that for sure because the second friend, Stephanie, is the one who told him about my decision. I have no idea what was ever said to him but I needed some space and time to figure some stuff out. We had been pretty good friends and I miss our comaraderie. I regretted severing ties with Marc's wife, Adrienne, because we'd become friends but I really didn't know how to deal with the situation without causing more grief all around.
Steohanie was going through a lot of crap. We were having some major problems in our friendship due to stuff with Marc and a change into separate directions in our lives. I regret some of the things I said in their joint presence. My only excuse is that I was jetlagged and annoyed. And it wasn't all about them. As for why I let her walk away, well, I was tired of trying to please her when nothing I said or did was right. Anything I did do that was supportive was not viewed that way. Stephanie was wrapped up in her own pain (mental and physical) and just couldn't get out of it. I did try and help but I was not wanted. She wrote me an angry letter but there was nothing I could really say in response that would make her happy. So I sent a simple reply. After that she shut me out by blocking my general emails, etc.
Why bring this up now? Well, I recently tried to contact each of them. Over the past few years I have thought about them each a lot and wondered how they were. I hate to lose friends and the way that I parted with each was not done very well. It has left a sour taste in the back of my throat and regrets swimming in my head. I sent Marc an ecard that spoke of a new year coming up and new beginnings. He has not written. I am not really sure why I made the move except that for almost two weeks, every time I turned on the radio, I would hear this one song I always associate with Marc. It drove me bonkers. It's funny how I haven't heard it once since. As for Stephanie, I sent a real snail mail card to her parent's house because it's the only place I know of where she could get mail. Well, it came back today with a return to sender sticker on the front. The reasoning is "Not deliverable as addressed - unable to forward." Not sure what this means. Did she reject the letter? If so, why choose that option? There is an "Other" choice. There is also a hand written "UTF" which is "Unable to Forward." So I'm a bit confused. I wrote to her because I needed to fulfill a promise from years ago. And yes, I miss her. So now I don't know what to do.
Do I let this drop and have them be forever in the past?
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Starting the New Year Off Wrong
Well, it didn't start off completely wrong. Mike and I got to ring it in together with a quiet kiss and cuddle. We went shopping a little on New Year's Day but for the most part kept it quiet.
We both had to go back to work on Tuesday. That's where the new year started to go to hell rather quickly. Of course, I have a theory about when that happens anyway so I'm optimistic that it will get better. lol
It's always something with work lately. I know I'm burned out from last year and all the crap we had to go through with the season, losing Tony, gaining Jessica, etc. I put the store before everything else and that bugs the crap out of me because I thought it was only going to be a temporary thing since I am not the manager and things were supposed to get settled. Yes, I'm the assistant but. . .well, you can guess the thought.
Tuesday and Wednesday were fraught with unforeseen problems. It didn't help that we had a huge theme change on top of our regular stuff this week. Couple that with a flux of customers on Tuesday because of the day of mourning and it was so much fun. I didn't have enough help to get things done but somehow it was all my fault for that. Uh huh. I got really stressed out and actually spoke with our DM. . .a person with whom I do not really get along. Of course, I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm vocal about how I feel. But my current state of mind about work has nothing to do with the DM.
Part of my disgruntlement lately has been the lack of communication between me and Jessica. It hasn't seemed like she listens to me at all. The thing is, her past assistants have been less than stellar and she's developed a complex where she has to do everything herself in order to get it done right. She doesn't trust anyone but her own people to do things because they know what she wants and why. She doesn't have to explain herself to them like she does with us. The funny thing is that most of the time I don't question her on stuff. It's Jon and Lindsay that do. lol Hopefully we'll all be able to work peaceably together. I know it's something that we need to learn to do in order to get back to our happy work place vibe. And I believe that we can do that. Right now I just want to get through the middle of March so I can take my other vacation days. A nice vacation for Mike and I. . .that will make up for the past few hellish work months.
We both had to go back to work on Tuesday. That's where the new year started to go to hell rather quickly. Of course, I have a theory about when that happens anyway so I'm optimistic that it will get better. lol
It's always something with work lately. I know I'm burned out from last year and all the crap we had to go through with the season, losing Tony, gaining Jessica, etc. I put the store before everything else and that bugs the crap out of me because I thought it was only going to be a temporary thing since I am not the manager and things were supposed to get settled. Yes, I'm the assistant but. . .well, you can guess the thought.
Tuesday and Wednesday were fraught with unforeseen problems. It didn't help that we had a huge theme change on top of our regular stuff this week. Couple that with a flux of customers on Tuesday because of the day of mourning and it was so much fun. I didn't have enough help to get things done but somehow it was all my fault for that. Uh huh. I got really stressed out and actually spoke with our DM. . .a person with whom I do not really get along. Of course, I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm vocal about how I feel. But my current state of mind about work has nothing to do with the DM.
Part of my disgruntlement lately has been the lack of communication between me and Jessica. It hasn't seemed like she listens to me at all. The thing is, her past assistants have been less than stellar and she's developed a complex where she has to do everything herself in order to get it done right. She doesn't trust anyone but her own people to do things because they know what she wants and why. She doesn't have to explain herself to them like she does with us. The funny thing is that most of the time I don't question her on stuff. It's Jon and Lindsay that do. lol Hopefully we'll all be able to work peaceably together. I know it's something that we need to learn to do in order to get back to our happy work place vibe. And I believe that we can do that. Right now I just want to get through the middle of March so I can take my other vacation days. A nice vacation for Mike and I. . .that will make up for the past few hellish work months.
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