Inner Duel

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking since last week. Ok, I know, I always do a lot of thinking. Of course this time it has mostly been about work. Inside I keep having a battle about staying and going at the store. Would I change my mind now? Probably not. It's really not in my best interest to stay at the store.

The past year has literally felt like hell for the most part while I've been there. It's really shown me what a stubborn streak I have. I hate to give up on things. So, I wonder why I finally did. I guess it's because I just feel tired. I feel worn out. And there have been too many dark moments over the past four months. Hell, dark even for me. I got through because of Michael and through just phoning it in most of the time. My physical health probably had a lot to do with it but I'm sure they fed on each other. Too many days I had to drag myself to the store. It will be a relief to not have the responsibility. But it tastes bitter.

I think that it's hard because I truly like the people I work with and my customers. I love helping people find books. I love knowing what is new and opening the boxes is almost like Christmas. I just did my last big splurge there (for a long time at least) and got some really awesome books. It's because we are having our employee days. The discount isn't much greater than we usually get but it's enough. I know I'll miss that. And everyone is shocked and sad to see me go. It's sweet. Does it make a big difference in the end for them? No. But it is nice that they care.

Actually, I know of at least one customer who will leave if the new manager doesn't pass muster. She's sick of the changeover.

I will probably look for a part-time job next year that doesn't require too much energy from me. I should try and bring some extra money in if I can. I'm just grateful that Michael is ok with this change. But then again, he's gotten to see the darker side of it all. But, for now, I keep working and looking forward to a break. Hopefully this time I will actually get one that isn't filled with stress. lol Yeah, right. I think I've slipped into a fantasy zone right now. But that's ok. I kind of like it here. ;o)

The End of an Era

At least, that's what Jon calls it. Me? I call it bittersweet. So, the lumps keep coming this week with the news that they are giving the manager position to someone else. The new guy starts next week. He was an assistant manager for a store in Orlando but a manager for other companies. This is such a smack in the face. I mean, dude hasn't even been manager for us before and his AM position with the company isn't even his last job. I got the whole spiel about how he loves books like the rest of us and is excited that he will have such a dedicated assistant, blah blah.

Yeah. Well, he won't for long because I turned in my notice last night. (sigh)

Believe me, the decision wasn't made lightly. I've actually been preparing for it since last week. I knew what was going to happen.

I'm not sure when things stopped going in my favor. But you know what? C'est la vie.

Michael and I had lunch yesterday and discussed it. Yeah, I could have waited until the new guy gets here. And I don't blame him and there are no hard feelings on my part towards him. Heck, there aren't even any towards the company really. It's just business. I feel more tired than anything else. And that is what clinched it. My reaction at first was utter sadness. I wanted to sob but I had to do my job. And I did it well yesterday. Sure, I have moments of anger but mostly I am just exhausted. Disheartened, I guess you could say. I need a break. Too much too fast.

Pros of staying: My discount. Show of loyalty and my mettle. Work somewhere I love. Continue to have extra money coming in. Keep my coworkers happy to the best of my ability. See that what has been set up for our regulars isn't blown to hell.

Cons of staying: I can get as good a discount other ways. Besides, as long as Mike works at the other store, we have the discount. Obviously my loyalty and worth don't really mean much. Yeah, I love it but it has been stressful as hell. I can get another job -- one that is less stressful and pays almost as well. They need to fend for themselves. I love em all but I have to do what's best for me right now. My customers -- well, that's the only one I feel real regret about but I'm sure they will adapt or go elsewhere. No matter how competent the new guy is, Christmas is just not the best time to have to get to know someone. It skews the learning process. Happened last year with Jessica. I've already done my "loyal to the new manager" bit. He can be an awesome manager and I'll still end up doing as much work as I am now. And you know what? I don't have the time. I have put of my dissertation and my housework for far too long. I am not going to be able to handle five classes next semester plus the diss plus the house. I would have tried my damndest if I had gotten the position because I would feel more responsible and I don't shirk that if I can help it.

But let's be honest. . .I haven't done a very good job of doing all three. Something was gonna have to go. Well, as Val kept reminding me, the bookstore was never meant to be a career choice. I wasn't going for the job with my whole heart. I did it because I thought, well, maybe it was a viable option. But no, I gotta get back to why I came here in the first place. Hopefully I haven't screwed that up. Time to bust my ass and catch up. But I sure am gonna miss being at the store.

Valerie and Dale

So, I caught you up on the work stuff but you never got to hear about Val and Dale's wedding because of all my drama last week. Sheesh.

The wedding was on October 27th. It's one of the reasons that Mike and I decided to have ours next year (if you don;t remember that part of the reasoning).

The two had met in March (I believe) of last year at a sci fi convention in Maryland. Got to see the exact spot they met which was pretty cool. Anyway, after a whirlwind courtship, they were engaged and had that date set. Val would have preferred to elope but Dale wanted a traditional wedding. I know, that's the opposite of how it usually happens but he has two sisters and a traditional kind of family so I guess that's why. Let me tell you. . .by the time the wedding came around, he was ruing the choice. lol Especially as Val reminded him a gazillion times about who's idea it had been. I actually felt sorry for him. (heehee)

As you are probably aware, that date happened to fall right after the rainstorms had come through the east coast. I told Val that she should have had the wedding sooner cause then the drought might not have lasted as long. (she wasn't amused) It was to be an evening wedding. So, you can imagine how nail biting it was to have it still pouring late into the night on the 26th. Val was miserable that day. The whole thing was set to take place at the Cloisters: a beautiful castle-like structure set in the woods. The place was perfect for her. Problem was, they hadn't really planned for an indoor wedding. The reception was supposed to be inside but not the ceremony. We went to the Cloisters to develop a contingency plan. The place was gorgeous. And it can work for indoor stuff too. They have events all the time and are used to having to accomodate such things. Problem was, indoors is not what was planned and Val said that she could have chosen any number of other places if that was what had been wanted.

Let me make something clear: Val had not been your typically giddy bride. She was not looking forward to the whole shindig at all. Oh, she was looking forward to getting married but not to the rigamorole. And to be fair, she didn't have an easy time of it all. They may have met in Maryland but they planned most of it all long distance. She ended up in Huntsville, Alabama, earlier this year and has had to plan for several major life changes all at once. So, her being stressed was understandable. I just wish she had been happier about it all but the anticipation of the wedding just couldn't overcome all the other stuff.

Fortunately, the weather cleared by noon on the 27th. Us girls -- Val, me (MOH), Jessica (childhood friend), and Anne-Marie (work friend) -- trooped to the hair dressers and Val's spirits started to pick up. She got the normal nerves thing going on and everything but seemed in a much happier place. When we all got back to the hotel and were finally done up, she was doing much better. And oh, she made such a lovely bride. She'd chosen a beautiful lace sheath dress. She was simply stunning in it. When I get some pics, I'll post one. I figured that picture taking was the least of my responsibilities that day.

We all went to the Cloisters for the picture taking. Because it was an evening wedding, we had to do the pics beforehand. Ok, here's where things are a little complicated. Dale is Catholic but Valerie converted to Judaism (from Lutheran) about two years ago. So, the ceremony and stuff was actually Jewish. Because there's a part where Dale and her are together for the actual ceremony, him seeing her beforehand wasn't a big deal. So, that whole tradition of not seeing the bride before the wedding didn't matter.

The photographer was awesome. He did an amazing job of setting it all up. My favorite moment was when Dale got to see her for the first time. He had the properly stunned look on his face and she was giggling like a schoolgirl. It was like it was only the two of them around. Such a movie moment. One of the reasons being outside was so important was because the Cloisters has a windmill and Val so wanted the wedding party pics to be there. That was fun. After that came the family photos and the rest of us ended upstairs.

I'm sure I could have stayed downstairs to help but I thought that I would just be in the way. It was a tossup cause I know she wanted me to help keep her mom from driving her nuts but I didn't know how I could do that for the photo stuff. So, I just waited. Finally they all came upstairs.

All of the wedding party and immediate family gathered around in one of the rooms so that we could watch them sign the Jewish marriage agreement. It was a cool little part of the ceremony. Then came the aisle walking and all that jazz. I messed up a little with Val's train because I forgot that she needed me to hand it to her so she could walk around Dale three times at the beginning. I wanted to straighten it out pretty. lol It didn't seem to be a big deal. We hadn't had a rehearsal (just a verbal run through) so hopefully I'm forgiven. The rest went off pretty well. The only thing I felt the OCD need to tweak was when her veil went back. It didn't completely go straight on one side and I didn't want it to look goofy in the pictures so I quickly steeped up and tweaked it down straight. lol Val didn't even know I had done that til later.

The reception was very elegant: open bar, cheese, dessert. Very simple but beautifully done. My speech was impromptu and not the best thing in the world (bad speech teacher) but I wanted to go with the flow of the moment and emotion rather than something rehearsed. I had a few things planned but mostly I just went with the moment. Afterwards, Val danced with her father and also with Dale. It was the only dancing that happened. I thought maybe seeing her with her dad would make me feel sad since I won't be able to do that but it just made me smile. Besides, it's when I got to help her mom out so that was good. Her mom had done really well not to cry until then. It was sweet.

Overall, the wedding went off without any major snafus. There were minor things but it was an awesome event. Just as elegant as Val could have wished.

End of the Hell Week

So, the week is almost finished and thank God. Mike and I went out for brunch and then to Petsmart to look at the cats cause I'm thinking that company for Shaman might be a good thing. Depends upon how she does in the next few weeks. Well, there were two groups there with dogs for adoptions as well (I had no idea it was such a big day there). One was the Greyhound Lifesavers group. Mike and I have been talking about getting a greyhound for a while. They so fit our lifestyle and personality. They were so beautiful and sweet. Hard to find a cat friendly one but we are going to try for that. They have new ones a lot so we may find a good mix. And Michael thinks that dog would be better than a cat. Less animosity. Um, ok. We'll see.

One thing Shaman is enjoying is full run of the house. We can open up every room now cause she sheds less than Miri did and doesn't yark in bad places. Sad, but true. I'd rather have Miri than all the doors open but. . .must take what benefit I can.

The week had to end on a down note thought. When we came out of Petsmart about 1:30, my car wouldn't start. The short version is that the started went bad and took the battery with it. Got the starter fixed at Sears and the battery replaced at Advanced Auto cause it was still under warranty from my purchase there last year. But it took all damn day to get the rest of this done. And to top it off, I walked around a the mall a little bit with a huge rip in the back of my pants near the pocket! (sigh)

Just freaking great. But it's almost over. I hurt from being on my feet too much but I'll survive.

Goodbye, My Sweeting

It has just not been a good week as you know. Well, today it got worse. Miriamele got sick again over the weekend but we didn't know how badly until yesterday when we saw that she had thrown up all over the place. She'd stopped eating (I just thought less) but was still drinking her water. I hadn't been able to give her her medication over the weekend but that shouldn't have affected her that much. It didn't. Seems that along with the hyperthyroidism she must have had kidney problems. When she was tested in June, they looked ok but that could have been because the urinalysis was done with diluted urine. Or it just could have been at the early stages and she deteriorated quickly. Either way, her symptoms were so close to the hyperthyroidal ones that it just seemed to be that.

This morning she could barely move so I took Miri to the vet right away. Went to Petsmart this time because our vet is closed on Wednesdays and one of the vets there is a regular at the bookstore. We didn't see him but another doctor who was very good. They couldn't get a urine sample because she was just too dehydrated. There was nothing in her system. Probably because every time she drank, she threw up. I mean, I'd cleaned up the kitchen last week and now it looks almost the same because she went on a yarking spree. Anyway, they took blood samples and everything pointed to kidney problems -- possibly renal failure but it was hard to tell since they couldn't get a urinalysis and forcing fluids into her would only dilute the results (like in June). To the doctor, Miri's kidneys felt way too small and from my description of her health for the past few months, it sounded to him like they were deteriorating. He couldn't guarantee me that was what was going on but it pretty well fit the bill for her. So, I had two choices (three if you count inaction as one): 1) they could pump Miri full of fluids and get her back up to health to the point where I would have to regularly give her fluids via IV (which would increase in frequency as time went on) until they shut down totally or 2) I could put her to sleep. He didn't actually say the latter but I was pretty quick on reading between the lines with how he described the first process. Because, basically it came down to that or a kidney transplant.

It sounded like we would just be prolonging Miri's illness. And to what purpose? The fluid IVs are fairly easy to do (he said) but given that she hated me just giving her a pill, I can't imagine what she would have done with IVs. She would have been miserable. And it wasn't a cure, just a patch. I couldn't do that to her. But I felt so horrible because I thought it looked like I was going to choose an "easy" way out. But the doc told me about a cat who'd been in earlier to be euthanized. The cat was older than Miri and hyperthyroidal but otherwise completely healthy. Awesome kidney functions and he refused to euthanize the cat. I admired him for that. But with Miri, it was definitely an option. He didn't push it on me and would have respected my wishes but I knew. I couldn't put her through months of torture (not pain but emotional torture) just because I didn't want to lose her. Lately I've been frustrated with the yarking and the shedding and all that but I didn't want her to do die to solve it. And money wasn't even an issue cause Mike is ok with whatever I need to do for them. So, I would have chosen anything but putting her down if it meant that she might have a chance of being cured. But she didn't. My beautiful little princess was just too ill to help.

So, I did the humane thing and chose the time of her death for her. I couldn't watch so they did it in another room. Afterwards the doctor had more solid words of comfort because he said that she went quietly and quickly. He hadn't even put all of the medicine in her before she passed away. Her body was just that toxic that there wasn't much left. I just wished I'd known that and been more aware these past few days so I could have held her more. That's where I have regret. That she was sick and I didn't realize how much sooner. Yeah, I know I've been legitimately out of it but. . .(sigh).

Hopefully this is the last bad thing for the week. Hell, for the rest of the year. I'm sick and tired of it all. But here are pictures of Miriamele:





Miri was lovely, wasn't she? So regal with her "painted" eyes. Very much a lady. She was always ready to lend comfort when someone was upset. Remember, Michelle? I will always remember why she came with me to SC. She was afraid of everyone but me. Three days before I was to come down, I woke up and found her curled against my chest and arm. How could I leave that sweet face behind? Obviously, I couldn't so I tried to give her a better life than she would have had at the farm. There were times when she drove me bonkers (remember when she went into heat, Andi, before she was fixed?) and I developed an allergy to her fur, but she was a wonderful cat. The house is going to be a lot more empty without her around. Shaman is the only one left from that litter and the three of us are going to miss Miriamele's voice from now on.

This Is Recuperating?

(sigh) It's my own fault. I admit it. I'm supposed to be resting and getting better but instead I am allowing myself to get stressed out. I was in a fairly good mood until yesterday. I mean, I am sad about my aunt and everything but I wasn't stressed. Now I'm stressed. I'm still "resting" in the sense that I am pretty much immobile in my chair or in bed but my brain is doing anything but. I'd sleep but then the more I sleep the more restless energy I have. Which is probably why my OCD is kicking in.

What's stressing me out? Work. There's some drama going on that really isn't necessary and people are just all worn out and griping. Ok, well, not maybe people plural so much as one person. But not being there, I have no idea what's going on. I've been fighting to get the job (though God knows why) and they still haven't made a decision yet. The manager meetings went well a few weeks ago and stuff and I had my interview with the new DM after that but it's dragging. I had a final interview two weeks ago with HR. But I hurt myself in that one with one of the questions.

See, the other store in Columbia needs a manager too. However, unlike with me, they have not officially made the assistant manager the acting/interim manager even though he is running things. So, they are looking to fill both stores and supposedly there are a bunch of qualified candidates. Well, I was asked if I would consider managing the other store if that is something that they felt would be best done. I said no. Not quite that flat out but I gave my reasons: I don't like that mall. It's not safe (and that is not an exaggeration when stabbings and shootings happen) and I haven't shopped there in years. Well, this didn't sit well. Especially with the new DM who said it makes it seem like we should tell our customers not to shop there and that she should be afraid to go there. Well, yeah. So, that was a strike against me. It's also a strike against me that I have personal ties with the people at the store. Uh, duh. But why send out an email saying that we could hire friends and family and then hold that against me? They are making an issue out of thin air because that is not even a problem. Hell, I don't have time to hang out with anyone as just friends outside the store. As Jon pointed out, even when we do get a chance to grab a bite to eat, we end up talking about work. And hello, you can't tell me that other managers aren't friends with some of their employees. It's a crock of horseshit.

I really love my job but corporate is making this way harder than it needs to be. I have kept everything running fairly well. Has it been perfect? No. Have we been doing at least as well as everyone else? Yeah. And even better than that too. I was told that we should know something later this week about the position. Good, cause I need to know what my options are gonna be. I've been planning my life around this job for the past four months (I got an apology for having had to have been in the position for so long without an answer) and if I haven't proven myself by now, I never will to them. They can drag their feet if they want to. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing until I know otherwise. And then? Well, guess it depends on what is said and offered.

Rest In Peace

It's another one of those days. I didn't sleep very well last night because of the pain. So, I slept in and when I awoke, I found a message on my cellphone from my brother, Chuck, that Sissy (our aunt) had died this morning. I must say that it was a shock and not a shock at the same time. The shock part came from the fact that I didn't think that she'd been that ill. The not a shock was because she hasn't wanted to be alive for a long time. She broke her hip about a month or so ago and ended up back in the hospital for something else. I'd tried calling but no one would answer. I hadn't had time to call Karen (my brother's widow who was there all the time) for details but Chuck let me know pretty well. Apparently Sissy wasn't answering the phone. (sigh)

Sissy was my father's older sister and in her mid-80s. She'd been depressed for quite a long time and also losing her memory. Not sure if it was senility or Alzheimer's but she was getting worse and worse at holding conversations. At least now she is where she wanted to be. . .with Uncle. It's sad. But at the same time also a relief. There wasn't much we could do to make her happy.

I don't have any particulars yet on the funeral. She'd set everything up years ago so we wouldn't have to worry about that. The problem is, Mike has to work all week doing installs and I am basically laid up from the surgery. So, I don't know what I'm going to do. I should go home for the funeral but I honestly don't know if I can drive. I am not supposed to for a few days because of the meds. I guess I will wait and see what is going on when and stuff. My other brother, John, is supposed to keep me up to speed. So, if he does, and Chuck comes home, we'll see. Once I know everything, I'll contact the doctor. Familial duty versus health. (sigh)

Ouch

So, it's done. I am now a sporting model as I've heard it. On Wednesday I went and had blood work done. The idiot who did it bruised my right arm up pretty good. When I told her that it hurt coming out too, her response was, "Everyone says that." Yeah, cause she's an idiot. Despite my fair skin, I don't usually bruise unless they do something wrong. I spent most of last week trying to get stuff done before the surgery on Friday.

Mike and I woke up about 8a on Friday morning and just cuddled for an hour. I so didn't want to go to the hospital. We got there on time. Surprisingly, my blood pressure was pretty normal. I was nervous as all hell until they finally got the IV in me. I hate those things the most. I got tired of being asked about my diabetes when I don't have it. Just because I'm on a diabetic medicine doesn't mean I have the disease. I'm on it for the PCOS. In fact, when they tested my blood sugar, it was a great level. So, yeah, that's not one of my problems.

The nurses and doctors were all very nice. Once they gave me the relaxing drugs, my memory is fuzzy. I remember getting in and kind of fighting the oxygen mask but once I was out, I was out. Fortunately, I don't remember the breathing tube being taken out. Last time, I gagged on it. The pain wasn't as bad as when I had my gall bladder out (13 years ago). Dr. Giudice got the air out of me pretty well. They did give me good drugs for what pain I had (which was a decent amount). For the most part, I kept falling back to sleep.

I drank a little ginger ale but it tasted icky so I later switched to diet coke. But neither sat well in my stomach so they had to give me something for the nausea. I remember being taken to the transition room and seeing Michael again. Some nurses helped me get dressed. That was fun. Then I got the IV out (didn't feel that for once) and put in a wheel chair. The whole process only took from 10a to 5p (surgery wasn't much more than an hour with no complications). I was so damn groggy that there are gaps in my consciousness. I do remember the bumps in the hall which made my stomach go erk. And the speed bumps coming out of the parking garage. Mike says that they need to rethink those.

We got home and I went to the bathroom and allowed myself to throw up. I hadn't done it at the hospital because I was afraid they'd keep me. But I felt better afterwards. I went to bed and Michael curled up next to me. We both slept until about 10p when Jon called to see what was going on. And I made him call his mom. At 1a we woke up again and he made me some waffles (light on butter and syrup). They were yummy. I think I ended up in my office about 4or 5a cause laying flat was hurting too much. Thank God I bought the recliner over the summer. It is helping a lot.

We got up about 9a yesterday. I kept drifting in and out but finally managed to keep myself awake by playing golf with Mike. He's done a really good job of taking care of me. He told me that I have a free two week bitch pass. I asked if I could raincheck on the time I don't use. lol And that I am not allowed to do anything but rest. Yeah, we'll see how that one goes. I've already checked in with work to make sure they do a few of the things I forgot to do. lol You can force my body to rest but there is no guarantee that my mind will.

Seriously though, I am enjoying being taken care of for once. Usually it irks me to be disabled but I am going to do as I am told so that I don't get worse. But it isn't as bad as I expected. Not much worse than my most painful monthlies. So, I guess those were prep for this. Besides, they gave me good drugs. Dr. Giudice did well with the incisions. They are neat and small. Both are in the same spots as old ones -- my belly button and lower end of my appendix scar. And they are sealed over with the liquid bandage stuff. The only icky looking thing is my right temple. I look like I have a gunshot wound from where he removed my big mole. I had him remove four -- the one under my arm that had been turning black, the temple one that has been slowly getting bigger, a tag one on the corner of my right eyelid (I didn't like it being so close to my eye) and a big one on my back that was bothering Michael. None were for vanity. Hopefully they all turn out benign though Dr. Giudice didn't mention testing them.

Michael has gone to help at the store cause we have another 100+ boxes and Jon can't lift things because of his shoulder. We have permission for Mike to work since I'm out. So, at least we get to pay him for his time now. lol I tried sleeping but couldn't really. So, I thought I would update you all. I plan on being a vegetable physically but getting work done. I have so much to do. This is what I get for wishing for time to work on it all. lol

Health Update

Well, I'm going to have time to catch up on news pretty soon. This coming Friday (9th) I go in for outpatient surgery. Michael went with me to see the new doctor (Guidices -- he's very nice) yesterday. Well, it looks like the endometrial ablation isn't necessarily the best choice for someone like me. See, it does stop the monthly bleeding in 75% of patients with the other 25% having spotting. Gee, with my luck, which % would I probably be? Also, it doesn't cause infertility so there would still be a likelihood that I could get pregnant. That would be bad because with out the endometrial lining, there are all sorts of problems for the fetus. So, they normally tie a woman's tubes when doing the procedure. This also wouldn't eliminate the possibility of uterine cancer which is a high risk for someone like me who has PCOS (add in my maternal grandmother dying of ovarian cancer and father of colon cancer and we can say uber odds). AND, 1 in 5 women who have the procedure eventually have to have a hysterectomy.

So, we decided that I should just eliminate most of that worry and just have the partial hysterectomy done now. I get to keep my ovaries and cervix (so I won't need hormones, etc) but I lose the uterus. They do it all the time with laproscopic surgery and the recovery time is pretty quick (1-2 weeks).

Actually, they wanted me to do it the Friday BEFORE Thanksgiving because while Dr. Guicides has an opening, the hospital did not before then. I was like, "Oh my God, no! I have to work that week! I can't not work black Friday and the weekend." So, the appointment woman (who was very nice) spoke with the doctor and they fit me in next Friday. I have to go to see him on Wednesday to discuss everything. I'm also going to have him remove a few of the questionable moles I have. Especially one on my right arm because it has black spots now. He said it would be easy to do. He also said that they could do a procedure that should help with the PCOS symptoms so that I may be able to lose weight better. That would be awesome. And we're going to up my dosage of Metformin cause it just isn't working at this level.

I've already given everyone at work a heads up. The new DM was like, "Are you going to use your vacation time for this? Make sure that you have all of your ducks in a row." What does she think I am? A moron? Believe me, if I could put this off longer, I would. It's not like I've been planning to be sick right now. In fact, since I've been off of the progesterone and not having a wonky cycle, I feel better. But I know it won;t last if I don't fix it. So, I'm a little annoyed at the statement. My reasonable side says that she's just doing her job but the rest of me is like, "Do you know how much of my life is invested in that store?" Good God. I haven't spent an entire day away from there when I'm in Columbia for weeks now. Sheesh.

Anyway, I will keep you all up to date as things happen. This surgery should be fairly routine unless something else has popped up. I have so much to do before Friday that it isn't even funny.

Gotta run and eat dinner. Hugs to all.