Send Happy Thoughts, Please

I was online late last night because I wanted to email Valerie some info before I forgot. Well, my brother, Chuck, popped online and I IMd him. He's been in Hawaii for the past few months on a work contract for some company. He wondered what I was doing up at midnight my time but you know me, the night owl. lol Anyway, he was online because he's thinking of getting a second Masters degree. His first is in Elementary Education (his BA is in electrical engineering, I think) but now he;s thinking Psychology!! Wow, I never would have thought of Chuck going for a psychology degree. Actually, I think that he would make a good one but, well, I guess things have changed a lot from past conversations.

Sidetrack: I just realized that I am surrounded now by people pursuing degrees in that field. I find that ironic since I've been studying it since high school and have always thought I would eventually get one myself. lol Very interesting.

Anyway, the need for happy thoughts comes in here. . .Chuck said to me, "I am going to the hospital on Thursday so on Friday they can do a cardiac catherization to see why I have chest pains and also a bad stress test." He's only 44! Of course, he does tend to put a lot of stress on himself so, I guess that would explain it. Actually, he's been the healthiest of us. So, I guess that's why it's a shock. He has to stay through Saturday because he doesn't have anyone to look after him. His wife is in Nevada at their home and, knowing Chuck, he probably told her not to spend the money to go to Hawaii. I assume this because he said, "I am fine, just need to know what is gong on so I can get it fixed." And, "I will be fine after all I am in a hospital." Sheesh, that latter gave me a chill. Famous last words. lol But yeah, he should be fine. Promised to email me on Sunday so I'll let you all know.

I told him he wasn't allowed to get sick until AFTER the wedding! Seriously though, I worry. Hey, that's what sisters are for, right? I just passed on the word up home. They really need to clean up the answering machine. That beep lasted forever! More soon. Hugs.

Relief Is Spelled W-O-R-K

lol Like the title? I know it seems wrong but in this case it's true. See, I always teach a summer course on base for USC. It always makes though the number of students varies. It's been a close call the last two years but has gotten enough students last minute. Well, this year has been different. Classes start next week (they run it differently than on main) and up until yesterday I only had three students signed up. Then I had a fourth yesterday. yuck So, I've been a little frantic inside because, well, it would help if I had a job for at least part of the summer. Granted, doing the dissertation, wedding planning, and housework are all jobs in and of themselves but they don't provide funds.

I got an email about the start of classes next week, blah blah. General one. So, I emailed her and asked what the procedure was since I only have four students. She said that there is a soldier pending to take the class and that they put the paperwork through today. Woohoo! I have been moving from shock to relief over the past hour. Normally I think I am supposed to have 10-12 students registered before they will do that. But I am so not going to argue about only having five. Talk about an easy job. The hardest part will be coming up with things to do with them so that we actually use some class time. lol My normal way of doing things is geared towards 15-20 students needing to do their speeches. hmmm Can we say guinea pigs?

Man, this is just awesome. Michael is really going to be relieved. Cause, this was about to suck big time. I mean, who's gonna hire me when I would have to quit in August? And I will not lie about that. Oh, I do have an interview next week with the university's test prep center to teach for them but I have no idea when that would start if they hire me. They may not want me considering how swamped I am in the fall. But we'll see. Ok, time for lunch!

Flower Day

Well, yesterday could have been better. Started out well enough as the last post mentioned. See, Wednesday night I had gone to bed with a migraine. Had a few pains before I wrote the blog but nothing bad. But as I sat in my office doing stuff, my head got worse and I started feeling nauseous again (I had the night before). My head was swimming. So I went home and laid on the couch. Took some medicine and waited for Michael to come home. He took me to my classroom last night to meet any students dropping off their finals. By the time we got home I was crampy.

Yes, I know. I don't have a certain female organ anymore. But I still have my ovaries and my cervix. So, you can imagine my surprise when I realized that I felt like I did last year. Well, I looked stuff up and it's to be expected from what I can tell. I mean, the doctor did say that I could still experience PMS, etc symptoms because I still have the hormones. I just don't have the obvious outcome. (sigh) So, that explains the migraine because it wasn't the weather and there wasn't anything else I could think of. I was pretty miserable last night and slept badly. So did Michael because he hurt his shoulder. What a pair we make.

I was pretty frustrated with everything last night because I felt like crap. (sigh)

Anyway, today was better. I checked out a new spa here and had a facial and it was wonderful. The woman was awesome and I will definitely be going back. So, I have a new place now called Tranquil Moments Day Spa. It's nice to have a new place and it will be great for getting prepped for the wedding. (grin) The weather was lovely. So overall I felt better.

Michael beat me home. And he left a surprise for me in my office:



Aren't they lovely? He did it just because he felt like it. The cats have sniffed but are mostly ignoring them. So, that's good. They are so pretty and make a nice splash of color in the room. Thank you!! Michael only buys me flowers when the whim strikes him. He got a massage for his thoughtfulness.

Well, my head is starting to hurt again so I'm gonna call it a night. Hugs.

Calm Week

Well, this week has been fairly laid back. I've been giving myself some down time because it's finals week and my schedule is whacked. I have a ton of grading to do though so I'll be working on that some today.

I told Michael that I would get a temporary job if one popped up but that no one would hire me for anything else when I have to start back at school in August. And I won't lie about that to get a job. But there is the possibility something will pop up for a few hours a week. Never know. If not, it's not like I don't have a gazillion things to get done any way, right? lol

I want to give a shout out of Happy Birthday to my eldest bro, John. It was on Tuesday. I'd also like to say huge congratulations to Rebecca and Nathan who are the proud first time parents of a baby boy. And congratulations to Celeste on finally getting her doctorate! Talk about inspiration. You go, girl!

Everybody please send kind thoughts and good energy to Andi. She's having a tough time right now. Poor dear. It will be ok.

Well, that's about it. I know, hard to imagine my life being fairly "quiet." Oh, geez, I probably just jinxed myself. (PS It's only quiet now that the housekeeping lady is out of my office and off our phone from discussing some drama. Sheesh lol)

One of Those Days

Yesterday was not the best of days. Oh, it started out well enough but by the end of it I had a headache and just wanted to sleep. Michael went with me to my last class cause we planned to spend the day together not doing anything serious. Just us bonding time. Class went well and we stopped home afterward so I could look for some things to take shopping with us. We planned to mainly window shop but I had some coupons for "just in case" and everything. Well, he felt blech so he ended up falling asleep. That was ok cause a thunderstorm had moved in and my brain was feeling fuzzy too.

When he woke up, we decided to grab a pizza at the local Greek restaurant because I think it's better than any of the chains. It was only 3:30p so the place was deserted. Well, that and because of the Kenny Chesney concert. People had been lined up for the 8p show at 9a!! Anyway, "dinner" was nice and we went to Lowe's to get a steam washer. Not for carpet (as we have only one rug in the living room), but for cleaning in general. Michael thinks that will be a good way for me to get all the nooks and crannies that drive me nuts. Plus be able to avoid getting sick every time I clean the bathroom because of the cleaning fumes. Even with the fan on, I sneeze forever and get congestion. It's a good idea and the thing works well (Michael had to test it out of course).

So, this is all decent, right? Yup. At least until Blockbuster. We decided on movies easily enough but he got grumpy at me for wanting to rent some episodes of "Bridezillas". I'd watched clips online but no full episodes and was just in the mood for something amusing. Michael just sees it as irritating. Well, hell, it was a free rental so whatever. But that wasn't the main problem. Nope. . .we get back outside to his truck and realize that it won't start. Oh, something is spinning inside but no ignition. Michael says that the engine isn't getting any fuel. His truck has been making noises for a while but, of course, he's ignored it. (sigh) Well, the clincher is that he'd left his cell phone at home to charge and I'd left my bag at home so we were phone less. Jonathan would have been getting off work at that time (and, in fact, ironically enough was calling the house at the time we realized all this) but we couldn't remember his number.

What to do? Not call a tow truck because Michael wants to see what his work wants to do about it (he's due for a new vehicle soon). And not leave it right in front of the store. Nope, let's back up the truck into the space behind us. Sounded simple enough. You would think. No, apparently I can't drive. The parking lot was slanted just enough that Michael could push the truck backwards. Problem #1: I was worried he would hurt himself. Problem #2: I was worried I would hit one of the cars behind us. Problem #3: I am not used to his truck. Granted, his truck isn't much longer than my car and I have driven it, but the feel is different to me. Combine all of these things with difficulty steering because the tires don't move as well as when the engine is running and you have a recipe for fubar'dness. (sigh) Needless to say, we get backed up but I end up putting us to where we were taking up two spaces. So forward we go. A car pulls in and instead of speaking to the guy, Michael lets him go into Blockbuster. So, now we have someone directly behind us and I have to try and angle his truck between two cars. Yup, almost hit one. Didn't though.

So, Michael has an alpha male blow up (which is rare for him) and I get yelled out. Yup, he finally sounds like one of the men in my family. Took him over two years but he succeeded admirably. It was a good rant about how I don't know how to drive and he's going to have to teach me blah blah. Granted, he was frustrated and pushing the truck was hard but, yeah, that really helped the situation. Short end was it took two more tries for me to be able to get the truck into a space in a way that satisfied Michael. After that? We walked the 2.1 miles to our house. Not that bad a walk and the weather was nice but halfway is very busy road with nothing to call a sidewalk. Fun.

Michael apologized and tried to be chipper going home. Me? I just wanted to get my car, get back to pick up stuff, and stay home. By the time we got home, I had a splitting headache. I came into my office and saw Jon had called so I talked with him while Michael tried out the washer. Then Michael comes in while I was setting up the hairstyle poll and slideshow on the wedding blog and gets frustrated at me because I wanted to read directions on how to do it rather than let him walk me through the steps via google. I gave in and it went well but then he was "helping" me by reading over my shoulder and correcting my phrasing as I wrote the entry (I originally didn't have an and between girlie and frivolous) which only set my teeth on edge so I closed out the browser and tossed my keyboard aside. Mature of me, I know. But I write on here like I speak/think instead of going for "proper" phrasing. I'm not writing an academic analysis here! Sheesh He went off to his office and I read some articles and played some games. By 10p I was tired and wanted to watch a "Bridezilla" episode but the DVD won't work in my computer for some reason. So, I just gave up, took my shower, and went to bed by 10:45p. Michael joined me at some point and snuggled up (which was nice) but he kept twitching and then woke me up for snoring. Plus, I was hot from it being too warm in the house. So, I took my pillow and went to the couch cause I could tell it would be one of those nights (of waking up a gazillion time) if I didn't.

I slept pretty well, hence me being up this early to write. I'm feeling tired again so I may go back to sleep. Hopefully today will be a better day throughout. (sigh)

To Be or Not to Be a Bridezilla

(photo courtesy of brideorama.com)

Last night, Michael and I got into a conversation about what it means to be a bridezilla. I mean, after all, everyone keeps saying, "It's your day, you should have things like you want them." This is usually said after I've worried about hurting someone's feelings, etc. So, I asked Michael where the line is on when someone is just being a "normal" (and are any ever really that way?) bride and a bridezilla since both want things the way they want them. Michael thinks every woman is pretty much a bridezilla because there is no black and white in the definition due to perception. Great. So no matter how much you may not want to be seen as such, someone will think that's what you are. (sigh)

So, today during my office hours, I have been looking up the term. There is actually a bridezilla website. It's been interesting to look at and some things seem extreme but there is also some really good advice mixed in too. Well, on there they have the following for the definition:

Bridezilla Defined

"Webster's Definition: Bridezilla\ bride-zil-a n 1 Horrific, bulging-eyed bride prone to screaming spells and spontaneous fits of hysterical rage. Bridezillas are known to drop blows over seating charts, get bug-eyed at the mere mention of carnations and view hurling champagne at their wedding planners as a form of hazing.

Bridezilla.com's Definition: Bridezilla\bride-zil-a n 1 Exceptionally attractive, confident women who know what they want and can't be bothered to sugar coat because they are obviously on 100 calorie- a- day microbiotic diets and can't even sneak a pack of Splenda if their life depends on it. Bridezillas are both blessed and cursed with a higher vision of perfection than most mediocre, David's Bridal wearing, Gerber daisy carrying mortals and have no choice but to impart this vision exactly to the masses. It is this motive that drives them to demand nothing less than excellence from their staff-err, wedding party.

In short, some people say bridezillas are bat-crazy man-hating Stepford brides. We say potato, potahto."

KFOR.com defines says "Bridezillas is a name coined in 1995. It's slang, but there's an official definition. It’s a bride to be who focuses so much on the event that she becomes difficult and obnoxious."

Then there is the publisher's explanation of the book, "Bridezilla: True Tales From Etiquette Hell": "A wedding can bring out the best in a person but often brings out the worst. A bride, in particular, seems most susceptible to mutating into a beast no family member or friend can recognize because a magical ring was placed on the third finger of her left hand. By definition, a Bridezilla describes a subspecies of a bride-to-be who believes her wedding day is "her day," that she is princess for the day, that the world owes her, and that her every desire and whim for the "perfect wedding" is to be catered to instantly and subserviently by friends, family, and vendors under threat of thermonuclear meltdown."

From all of this, I guess we can say that being a bridezilla is when a woman has an extreme reaction to either being the bride or a minor event. Even then we could argue over what that means cause some stress is justifiable. Actually, there are variations on the zilla part for everyone involved. So, let's just say that if you're making someone miserable for no good reason (and is there ever a good reason to make someone that way?) at this event, you're being a zilla.

I took a quiz on iVillage and this is what it said that I was a "Low-Key Bride". Flare.com's test says that I am "The Peacemaker". WE tv says I'm an "Average Bride". Well, I'm trying to be, that's for sure. Yeah, I have the blog for us but that keeps things easy and fun (hope). Hard not to when everyone is scattered to the four winds. Hopefully it will stay easy. (snort) Stop laughing all of you NOW. The Bridezilla moment has now passed, you may conrinue about your day. Oh wait, that was one too, wasn't it? ;o)

Sheesh

Ignore the registries post from this blog. It was supposed to be under the wedding one. Why it ended up here. . .I must have hit the wrong one. Sorry for the double send of it. Sheesh

Grumpy

Ok, so I've been a little moody lately. All right, a lot moody. Not sure what it is. Maybe my allergies. Maybe the gazillion things I should do that I seem not to have the energy to get done. . .whatever.

Michael heard something the other day on the radio about how we only have a limited amount of will power. That there may be a genetic predisposition for a certain amount. No matter how you look at it though, they say that because we have a limit, splitting it between too many things can mean that none of them get done to their full potential if at all.

That's all I needed to hear.

(sigh) Lord knows I'm good enough at making excuses for myself without throwing that into the mix. lol

But whatever. Only two weeks left to classes (I'm trying to wrap my head around that). After that I teach one course through July. But mostly I'll be working on the dissertation (yes, really, I gave my director something last week), the house, and the wedding. Oh, and losing weight -- we've started going to the gym. I'm doing a half hour on the elliptical and half hour on the treadmill for starters plus a few weights. Gee? Think I have enough? lol However, I may have to temp this summer as my taxes were less than I feared but more than I hoped. But I really need a break cause the fall is gonna be insane! So, we'll see.

Gonna keep plugging cause that's what I have to do. Hugs.

A Worthy Cause

Hi. Sorry for the lapse again. The last couple of weeks have been hectic with a gazillion things to do. Between teaching, plotting dissertation and wedding, and cleaning, my plate is pretty full. I've actually managed to finally revise my diss intro. I think my next step is to dive into the theory because that is the hardest part and my reward for that will be analyzing the plays I'm doing. Some "reward," huh? lol

Also, my allergies have been kicking my butt. My car looks like a tree ejaculated it's entire supply onto it. Sheesh At least the color is green even if it is a different shade from the car's.

Our new cats have settled in well. Hydona has accepted Solaris and they get along great. They have no problems sharing. It's kind of nice to know that when the attacks happen it's because they are playing. They already have various nicknames and know them. Oh, and it's also nice to have cats who listen most of the time. Solaris is slower (just because he's a big pile of goo and hates to move) but Hydona is very smart. She can be stubborn at times (gee, who does that sound like?) but she usually listens. She actually leaves rooms with me and doesn't make me chase her. lol But I still miss Shaman even though I love these two to death.

Anyway, today I got up right after Michael left so I could redo the diss intro. So now I at least have something for my director next week. (sigh)

Just wanted to update you all. Life is pretty much routine right now. However, occasionally something will inevitably pop up and I'll write about it but there may be long gaps.

One thing I did want to tell you all about is a group called Kick For Nick. One of my students gave a speech on it last night. Tom is/was Nick's best friend. Both were in the military. You'll notice the past tense because Nick was killed in Iraq two years ago. He'd only had a month on his tour to go. Very sad. It seems he was a very nice young man who loved children and had come up with this idea to share his childhood love of soccer with the children over there. He'd taken some balls back with him on his last trip home and handed them out. Well, after his death, his dad started up a campaign to try and continue that thought. It's a lovely gesture and I just wanted to share it with you. Tom is setting up a collection's station here in Columbia since he is now stationed at Fort Jackson and attending USC. So, if any of you know of any unused soccer balls or what not, pass 'em along to me and I'll see that he gets them. It was an awesome speech that brought one girl to tears.

Long Week

I am very tired right now but want to get you all caught up on the week. You can find wedding updates on the other blog.

Jami and Cynthia were late coming in on Monday night but I was watching their progress online so it all worked out well. We got back here at about 2a. They got out of here ok today and home all right. We spent most of the week wandering around and shopping for wedding dresses, Cynthia's prom dress, and other miscellaneous stuff. Cindy and I went to USC yesterday morning while Jami slept and I gave her a tour. She likes the campus. Last night we went to see "The Vantage Point" which was pretty good. Jami went shopping. Jon kindly brought her home so I wouldn't have to worry about coordinating everything.

We did manage to find Cynthia a prom dress. It's a very simple black one that fits her form quite well and she'll be able to wear it again for something else. So, that was good.

Most of what went on is on the other blog so check there. Gonna write it as soon as I'm done here.

Overall it was a great visit and I'm glad that they came down. (big grin)

Spring Break

And boy. . .do I need it. lol

Let's see. . .what has been happening besides school stuff? Well, trying to get the house cleaned up and organized. It's a slow process. There is so much to go through from my various moves and things. So, it's gonna take a while.

Michael and I got another cat so that Hydona has a playmate. She has way too much energy to be by herself and needs another outlet besides us. I told Michael that I wanted a cuddle kitty. I still miss Shaman terribly but I wanted a kitty I could smoosh around like her. Hydona is affectionate but she doesn't really like to cuddle. She'll sleep on my lap but it has to be when she's worn out. So, we went to see the vet in person the day after Shaman died so I could tell him about her. He really is a nice guy. Anyway, while we were there (the other Petsmart in town), Michael saw a male cat who looks almost exactly like Shaman except he doesn't have the black nose or black chin patch. And he's bigger. So, I said, ok, we'll go talk to the cats. Well, there was a female who was fairly friendly but she wasn't as attached to us as Hydona had been the first meeting. But the male, Solaris, just wrapped his paws around my neck and wouldn't let go. He purred and when I passed him to Mike, he did the same thing plus washed his ear. Michael was a goner. lol

So, he found me a cuddle kitty. Solaris is only 9 months old but he's a big boy and just sweet as can be. He's so soft and just a big fluffer. It took Hydona two days to accept him. After all, she had been here first and we were her people. lol Solaris handled it all pretty well. He's not as dominant a character as she is but can be if need be. Hmmm. . .sounds familiar (that just occurred to me). lol Anyway, we made sure not to show preferential treatment. They get along better now than Shaman and Miri did. Of course, Shaman was way more territorial than Hydona. The two get rough but it's all good fun. Hydona and Solaris each love both of us but she has a preference for me and Solaris has a preference for Michael. It's kind of funny. But it's good cause we now have a cohesive little family. They both slept on me earlier but that was because Michael was shut off from Solaris. Now the two "men" are zonked out on the bed.

Michael was gone all last week. He had to go to NY for some computer training. He loves going up there because he gets to massively geek out on machines. He is so jinxed while traveling by air. On the way up, one of the luggage conveyors literally blew up because the belt was out of whack. So he was stuck at the airport forever. Coming back, he almost missed his flight because of traffic but since it was delayed 2 hours, he managed to (barely) make the flight though he was a half hour late and they'd already assigned his seat. Then in Atlanta he was delayed twice with the second being a sudden pickup in the wind that caused the pilot to realize that they didn't have enough fuel to compensate. I told him we are so not flying anywhere for the honeymoon. lol

But, I was smart and had gotten us a hotel room in Charlotte Friday night so it didn't matter that he didn't get into that airport until 1a. We had lunch with his mother yesterday and then came home. However, today was exciting because he woke up in severe pain. I rushed him to the ER. Turned out he was passing a 2mm sized kidney stone. (sigh) That better be our medical emergency for the year. We got him around 1p and he fell into an uncomfortable doze. The stone seems to have passed but not out yet. So, he's still taking tomorrow off from work.

That's fine by me. I have to drive up to Charlotte again tomorrow night to pick up Jami and Cynthia from the airport. They land very late. But that won't be too bad, I think. They can crash in the car. I'll be awake enough to drive. I'll probably update you all again at the end of the week.

Family Rant

Ok, so, I need to rant for a moment. Some of my family are (insert appropriate name). Fill in the () for yourself. I can't remember if I've mentioned this before so please forgive me if I did. One of my sisters-in-law had insisted that she be a bridesmaid in the wedding when I told her Michael and I were getting married. I was a little taken aback but not opposed to the idea. Just shocked as I'd already had a firm plan of who I was going to ask (and even that ended up changing for other reasons). See, here's the thing, I was one of her bridesmaids eons ago when she first married into the family. But it was all my mother's idea. Not mine. I was a young teen (about 12 or 13) at the time so I was cool with the idea but I don't think I would have been heartbroken not to have been in it. And yes, over the years she and I have become friends.

But. . .

While we are friends, I have a bunch of other friends too. So, I was thinking of asking different people to do different things for the wedding since I can't possibly have everyone in the wedding party. For example, I've asked the northern Kyle to walk me down the aisle since I no longer have my dad. I'd ask my brothers but they have daughters to do that for. Besides, I wouldn't want to choose between John and Chuck (though I could) and having all three of us won't work like I thought it would once upon a time. That had been my original image for that part -- one of them on either side of me but. . .(sigh). Anyway, I thought my sis-in-law could play the piano for us. Or help me with decorations since I could use some craftsy help. But no. She made excuses. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I just had a different image in my head.

Plus, she's having problems with my brother. Hell, he'sprobably not even coming. And neither has been on a trip in like 20 years. I kid you not. There is always some excuse. So, how do I know that there won't be again? There's so many ifs and I need something more solid so I can plan the day.

So, now she's saying that she won't be coming down.

Am I so wrong to not want problems for my wedding? I feel guilty for hurting her feelings. I didn't mean to. Am I being selfish? People keep telling me no but I feel rotten. Hell, there are so many people I love who I have not asked to be in the wedding and who I would so love to have play a part. I'm hoping they are ok with just coming and celebrating with us. I mean, to me, that is so important. Hell, they may get to participate anyway cause we have ideas for things to do. I have friends whose weddings I haven't been in as a bridesmaid. But that was cool. I got to do other things for them. And I was happy they were happy.

This sucks. I wish my family could just be happy for me and want to be there. I wish they could just go along with the plans. Cause it isn't just about Michael and I. We are the heart of the event but the soul consists of everyone we love. I am planning things not with just us in mind but with thoughts for how we can make this an event for everyone. An old fashioned ceremony wrapped up in an entertaining package. A party to celebrate our love between ourselves and everyone there.

But apparently that mushiness doesn't really gel for some. Or they don't believe my sincerity. I thought I was past that attitude from people. Guess not. So need to work on my dissertation cause the theme of familial betrayal is such a good thing for me to be working on right now.

And Flights of Angels Sing Thee to Thy Rest

I am very sad today. My heart feels a little more broken. Last night at about 10:50pm, Shaman breathed her last on our bed. In December she'd had to take antibiotics because her kidney enzymes were too high. That was fixed easily enough. Then, on January 29th, I found out she had hyperthyroidism like Miri. Well, no big deal, right? We can treat that. She didn't like taking pills again but it was ok. That week we got another cat to be her playmate so she'd get more exercise. I'll write about Hydona more in another blog. Well, Shaman was doing fine until last Wednesday. She started throwing up. Nowhere nearly as bad as Miri but I wasn't wasting time and took her to the vet. A different doc said she had some kind of intestinal bug so he prescribed Hill's ID formula. That was supposed to be mild enough to help flush out her system. Problem was she stopped eating on Saturday. She was still drinking but wouldn't do more than sniff at food. I took her back on Monday and saw her original vet (who is very nice and very good). There were a few things that could be wrong. She had the lump in her thyroid and some hardening in her intestines. He took blood work and the only thing off besides her thyroid was her white blood cell count. Ok, so she had an infection. They gave her a shot of antibiotics. If there was nothing else, by Tuesday she would be perky and eating. Nope. So we went back Tuesday night. Dr. Blaise was very concerned about the intestines and said that it could be one of two things: cancer or irritable bowel disorder. Either one would respond well to steroid injections. But there was no guarantee. If it was the former, Shaman had a chance of it not working and then we were out of options.

So, he gave her a short term steroid to see if she bounced back. Oh, and they had also hydrated her both days. She had 48 hours to respond to the steroid. Well, about 11a on Wednesday, Shaman threw up again and it was bad. . .blood and a huge clot. She did it again Wednesday afternoon minus the clot. Dr. Blaise wanted me to try feeding her baby food through a syringe so I did in the evening. She didn't throw it up. I kept in contact with the vet via email because he was off. But it didn't look good. However, yesterday morning she was bright eyes and more perky. Well, I have class so I took her with me so I could get more food in her. Shaman did all right at first but then at 1:55p she had diarrhea and it was bloody. So, after that last afternoon class I brought her home and canceled my evening class. Shaman crawled into the bath tub (that was her hiding place for some reason). I kept checking on her. About 8p Michael and I went in and she was laying on her side and had that look. . .the dying look. I've seen it so much in animals that I knew it was nearing the end. So I wrapped her up in the towel I had been using so she could smell me and held her for a while. Then we went into the bedroom and stayed with her. We both petted her and talked to her. She purred for me to let me know she knew I was there. Whenever she was scared I calmed her down. She had one last physical struggle to get up before she settled into a doze and then into permanent rest. We pet her for a little while longer and then I gave Michael one of my t-shirts to wrap her in. We put her in a box and will be burying her in the backyard tonight.

Here is my favorite picture of her:



Shaman had been my "baby" for almost 14 years. Like Miri, she's been with me through a lot. But I was closer to her. Shaman was my cuddle kitty. My stuffed animal kitty. She would sleep with me at night. There were so many when I was restless where she would jump up on my hip and side and that comforting weight helped me go to sleep. Or I would curl up with her purring in my ear. We had a routine. Lots of belly rubs. She loved them and would flop down and rub her paw against her face like an otter when I would say "Gonna get the belly!" Shaman had her own language and would talk to me. Heck, she managed to thaw Michael out towards cats. He didn't realize how much personality they actually have. I know he still prefers dogs but he sees the benefits of having a cat. I'm glad he agreed to let me get Hydona so that I at least have a furry body around to purr at me. But there will never be another Shaman. Well, at least not until she finds me again. Even then she will be different. I am going to miss her so much. But I am glad she died here at home and that we will always have her close by. As I told her last night, she was and always will be the best kitty in the whole world.

So Much To Say. . .

Ok, a lot has happened in the last two weeks. I'll save anything wedding related for the blog.

The week Yancey was gone was as I had expected. . .busy as hell. One of the Charlotte stores thought it was a good idea to send us 80 boxes of calendars. . .unannounced and the day before our last kiosk day! Those came in that Tuesday before Yancey left. Basically, I answered the door, found out we had a shipment that we had no room for, went back into the store itself and said to Yancey when he asked what it was and looked shock, "You're the manager, you deal with it." I thought he'd refuse shipment but instead he accepted it and tossed it into the storage shed. (sigh) So, I was left to deal with it anyway. We did pretty well while he was gone. I worked Yancey's shift in Wednesday and dragged myself to the mall on Thursday at 6a for the kiosk's take down. Friday was a bit confusing because we had our regular shipment coming in, our returns going out (the 80 boxes went out on Thursday because the FedEx truck broke on Wednesday), AND he had another 28 boxes of calendars from Charlotte! I was like, "Hell no!" I told our delivery dude (Sheraton) not to unwrap them and then I made some calls. In the end they got sent on to the same store that got the 80 (that dragged into this week but I'll spare you the details). Michael was on call most of the day so he came and helped me unpack boxes. It was a long and exhausting week.

This past week wasn't much better. I was finally able to start my shortened hours at the store (15) but ended up with two more classes at school because one of the other adjuncts had to drop out of teaching. He's an older guy and has gotten sick. They only found out on Tuesday that he wouldn't be returning. I happened to walk into the office just as they were trying to decide what to do. Well, I am really the only one who could help so I took two of his three classes. They are in the mornings for when I'm already there. Only problem was that would keep me from getting out the new stuff. So I called Yancey and said that I couldn't work one of my mornings. He was ok with it. By the time yesterday rolled around, I was exhausted. Michael and I had a long discussion on Thursday night about it all. There's a good chance that I will get to teach over the summer and also get a lot of classes for the fall. We figured out how much time I have to do stuff and it's really daunting. Even though the store would only take up 12 hours a week. . .it's still too much. And it's draining because I am constantly following up behind people to see that things get done and I have no time to do what we had planned for me to do. I have no time or energy for outside sales -- unless they are already set up.

So. . .I turned in my keys yesterday.

Seems sudden, non? Well, not really. I knew my time was over. I have offered to be available for emergencies. I only need to work once a month to stay on payroll. But that's Yancey's call. He didn't say yay or nay. But the others need the hours more than I do now. And I've finally accepted the end of that phase of my life. I learned a lot and I got Michael and Jon out of the mix so I'm satisfied. School and home are where I need to focus now. No more divided loyalties. (sigh) Anyway, there's more stuff but I'll save it for another entry. Hugs.

January Is Almost Gone?!?

Sheesh. You're kidding right? Where did it go? That's what I get for being sick for the first half. Ah well. Time flies when you're hacking up a lung. lol

I've been updating the wedding blog so you should check there for stuff too on a regular basis since that's gonna be a major focal point for me this year.

As for other stuff. . .just trying to settle into a workable routine. This week is going to be off a bit because Yancey has to go for his management training and the kiosk is coming down. Of course they would happen in the same week. Sheesh. Anyway, it's gonna be hectic and then I can settle in for the normal routine.

It has been so dead at the store. We've gotten a lot done and caught up a lot but there's still so much to do. But ah well, not my main problem even though people still treat me like it is. lol And I somehow wrenched my should on Friday. I don't know how but it hurts. Yuck.

School seems to be going all right. I've already got my classes set up for the fall and summer. In fact, I may actually get to teach a second summer session class! Yay! That means I won't have that horrible two month, low income gap. lol Hope it comes true.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted on all that and how the dissertation stuff comes along. It's time to get cracking!

Blech

That's how I feel this week. Kind of off. I think that the weather is part of it. But who knows. Been having bad dreams when I'm not having weird dreams. Mike says that last night I was tossing, turning, and moaning in my sleep. I remember him asking if I was ok but I don't know what I was dreaming at that point. I do remember having odd dreams about my parents this morning. That never bodes well. (sigh)

Anyway, things are starting to settle into a routine. By next week I should have a flow going for doing stuff. Right now I'm just trying to get organized and used to my schedule. At least I'm getting more sleep which is helping. It may not be completely restful but I'm getting more of it. So I suppose it balances out.

Gonna write on the wedding blog now. Hugs.

A New Year

My God but the last month was hectic. Of course, I'm sure that you expected me to be poof since it is crazy retail time. I'll summarize in segments to keep things organized, k?

Work: They "gave" me permission to stay on part-time. HR said that they don't usually do this but if the DM and manager were ok with it then I could stay. How generous. Of course they aren't going to announce that too loudly. It was funny because Yancey thought that I would be disappointed in the pay cut. Uh, no, I expected that. I actually expected to (at worst) go back to what I was making before I became assistant. Instead, I am making a little more so I'm happy. Anyway, I have cut myself back to about 13 hours a week over two days. I'll work more if I do outside events or if there is an emergency. This week I've done more because I wanted to and it all goes towards the wedding fund and bills so what the hey. I'll probably do more outside things during the summer when my budget is lean from school. Speaking of which, it started this week. I have blocked out when I'm doing dissertation, wedding, and house stuff in between classes and the store. I'll let you know how well it works.

Christmas: It was a quiet one. Michael and I went up to his mom's the Sunday before to be with her, his brother, sister-in-law, and nephew. It was nice and really made his mom's day to have everyone together. Baby steps on doing the whole family thing but at least it's happening. Christmas Day we just stayed home, snuggled, opened presents, and played golf. lol Michael got me another Painted Pony (this one is so gorgeous) and a howling wolf statue. He's pretty. I got him a bunch of little things but the two big ones I'm most proud of: an original artwork piece of the Lord's Prayer in Cherokee (that's what some of Mike's ancestors were) and a remote control dragon. The latter moves and roars. It's so cheesy it's cool. lol

New Years: Since Mike had a 4 day weekend, we decided that was the best time to go up to Sissy's house (it will always be that to me). Jonathan went with us. It gave him a chance to get away from here as well as gave Lindsay time to prove herself to Yancey (she failed at that but I don't want to talk about it here). We had a decent drive up. I was finally getting over that cold I wrote about last time. It hung on. Probably because I didn't have a chance to rest properly. Anyway, we got up there Saturday afternoon. Everyone was working but Cynthia so we didn't get to see anyone else until New Year's Day. So, we spent our time wandering the malls and going through stuff at the house (which was so weird). Found some great pictures which I'll share at some point. We went to Border's on Sunday and I ended up losing my phone out of my pocket. Fortunately, someone nice found it and we got it back. I just was not having a good time. My string of sucky incidences just kept going. And I was depressed and miserable. On New Year's Eve, Kyle came down and we picked up my nephew, Elijah, to go see "Alien vs Predator: Requiem". It was ok. Fun to do stuff together. That made me feel better. We dropped Elijah off at a friend's and then went home to play a card game:



Yes, we're geeks. Deal with it. But it was lots of fun. We may have to get people together for some rousing games of it at the store. lol Lindsay got deck for Christmas so she likes it too. So, our evening was quiet and fun.

New Year's Day was hectic. It had snowed Sunday night and I ended up shoveling most of the driveway. Because of that I started getting sick again. This one hit my chest instead of my sinuses. It didn't help that we went out to the farm where it was smoke central. And God, was going out there heartbreaking. I can't even begin to describe how badly they have run down the house. But what can I do when they don't care? It's just. . .horrible. John was noncommittal about coming to the wedding and he wouldn't go to breakfast with us. And Brenda is incredibly upset that I haven't asked her to be a bridesmaid. I have various reasons for this but it isn't anything against her. I would rather she do something else in the wedding like play the piano/organ for us but she refused. In fact, she now sounds like SHE won't come either. Her response when I talked with her about it was that she would have to see because she doesn't know how much vacation time she's going to get. It's frustrating. We out of there late for breakfast because Anne was putzing about with getting the baby ready. And then she got mad and drove off without ever going with us. Yeah, I have a really mature family. I would just like them all to play nicely for one day and come down for the wedding and have fun. Is that likely to happen? No. But it is the only gift they would need to give me that day. Hell, ever.

We got out of PA later than planned because we had to pack up stuff. We didn't take a lot. Just a few nick knacks, pictures, and kitchen things. Oh, and Mike took some tools that had duplicates downstairs. Karen did give me Sissy's engagement ring because I think it would be nice to reset it as mine if Michael wants. Her ring is too small for me anyway and I don't wear gold. If not, I'll hold onto it for Cynthia. My new cold kept getting worse and worse as we drove. And in we had to stop in West Virginia because it felt like my bra was digging into my skin under my right shoulder blade. Well, it turned out to be some kind of bite. We suspect it might have been a brown recluse or some other kind of spider but God knows when and where it got me cause I didn't feel it. It was nasty. By the time we hit Virginia, I was hacking up my lungs and in massive pain from the bite. Then we hit the snowstorm that we didn't know was happening. (sigh) I was following Mike and it was around 11p. Well, his truck has rear wheel drive. I was doing fine but he started fishtailing. If we had kept going we would have driven out of it but we were worried that he would end up off the road because it was that bad. So, we chose to find a hotel. Probably a good thing because I was so out of it. I would have pushed myself to get back because I was supposed to open the store the next day but I just felt too drained. Lindsay refused to help (she had to go shopping with her mom and see a friend) for even a few hours the next morning. Yancey ended up going in but he barely got the message in time as he had been out of town and got back like 3a. So, he was in a less than chipper mood. We made good time the =next day in getting back and I went straight to the store even though I probably should have gone home. The rest is a blur. The bite didn't get better and I couldn't wear a bra so I finally went to the doctor that Friday. I'd had some antibiotics at home for the cold but he put me on a bunch more stuff. I worked my hours but sounded horrible. Needless to say, with all the stress and whatnot, I only stopped coughing a lot this week. I've heard though, that this particular cold is hard to shake. But it's better.

So, those are my fun and exciting adventures. I will be posting more on the wedding blog because it's that time. . .so, check there too. Hugs

Time Away

I decided that we needed some time away. I gave Michael a choice between the beach and the mountains and he chose the former. Turned out that Marriott was having some awesome deals in Myrtle Beach. I signed up for their rewards program last year and it has done us pretty well this year as we seem to keep ending up at a Marriott even when it isn't planned that way. The place is really nice. It's a new resort that they've just built. Actually, there are two main buildings but we stayed in the suites part where they are offering timeshares. No, we didn't do this as a deal for that. The deal I got us was an online special for off season rates. But we really like the place so we'll probably be back.

Our time has been good though not all pleasant. See, I ended up with a cold right before we left. Of course. Murphy's Law, right? Part of it had to do with stress of course. Part was brought on by getting lots of fibers up my nose from fluffing our bears at the store. Should have known that would irritate things. So, I ended up with a nasty sinus infection. Right before going to the beach. (sigh) I did go to the doctor on Friday and get stuff. We couldn't change the reservations without losing some money so we figured the salt air might do me good. Mostly we took it easy this weekend and just chilled. Did some shopping but didn't push ourselves. It was freaking cold yesterday (ok, I know, not as much as some of you have but with high winds brrr). So, we didn't shop much. Just went in a few places and made sure to get food.

I had Michael call Jon to say I wouldn't be in today. I was hacking up a lung on Saturday night. And my head was still feeling full of wool. I didn't want to have to worry about the store. I feel better today but if I were to pull a full shift, Lord knows I would probably make myself worse again. Bad enough that Michael has it now. And I am so not looking forward to the drive back with my head icky. Ah, well. I have off tomorrow because I have doctor appointments. And I have grading to do. I didn't bring it with me cause I just needed a complete get away. But I have to get the grades in.

So, here I sit in the quiet with the ocean outside. I've got to leave in a few minutes because we check out today. Michael is on his way to work. I'll probably stop off at Broadway at the Beach and do a little shopping. Not much though cause I feel icky still. Well, need to run. Hugs.

I Am an Idiot

Not that this is a big surprise. lol Ok, so let's see if I can make all of this fairly short. Sure.

You can probably guess in what area of my life I'm an idiot: work. Specifically, the bookstore. Well, duh. Yancey seems to be ok. I like him and he's goofy enough to fit in with everyone. He has a lot of management experience. I just hope it's enough for him to survive this store. Not the company, but this store. Only time will tell. Everyone is still cautiously optimistic. And, God love them, they were all fairly normal on his first day two Fridays ago. I was so proud of them all. They let him slip into the group without any drama. The only tension Yancey felt was the usual suspicion of an established crew for a new leader. And even that wasn't mild. Amanda was the best because she was just her usual goofy, perverted self. I don't think that she was aware of it, but she tested him the best for us. lol She wasn't feeling well so she was ditsier than usual (which, if you knew her says something). Well, she came into the back at one point while we (Yancey and I) were working on the shipment. I don't know what prompted it but she went on a tangent about how she loves men with tattoos, piercings, and who play drums. I looked at Yancey (who has a big tattoo on his right arm and ear piercings) and said, "Well, you have two. Do you drum?" "Uh, no. And I'm too old and not cute enough." Amanda told him to turn around so she could look at his face. She studied it very seriously for a moment before saying, "No, you're handsome. You remind me of. . .Patrick Stewart. Oh my God! Patrick Stewart is soooo hot! I would so have his kids! Even if I had to do it by artificial insemination!" I was nearly dying I was laughing so hard. Poor Yancey looked like he had been hit upside the head. Ok, well, he actually looked like that most of the day. He really didn't know what he was getting himself into. That's what he gets for saying that he wanted "to work with more intelligent people" (he said that to his other crew before he left). He just didn't stop to think what the trade off would be. As he put it, I have a very "interesting" crew. Yup, and I love em for all of their unique idiosyncrasies. (big grin)

So, that part went well. I made sure that Yancey knew why I had turned in my resignation. And the more I've gotten to know him, the more relief I feel that I am no longer in charge. I hold no resentment towards him whatsoever. I would even stay part-time if the higher ups would let me. But they don't usually let people step down and stay. I think it's dumb to have a blanket policy like that. It should be a case by case. I can see why it's not a good idea in some cases because people can be awfully bitchy about being subordinate to someone who took their job. Heck, one of the other managers actually said to me, "I'm going to say what everyone is thinking but won't say: don't hate Yancey for getting the position." She said that because I mentioned that I would like to stay part-time so I can continue doing the customer service that I like doing. I was so surprised that I goggled for a minute. Um, no. Yancey applied for a job that had come open. It wasn't personal. He wanted a change and saw a chance to get back to something he'd loved at one time and took it. It had nothing to do with me. I mean, I can see how some people can see it that way but they have issues. I told the other manager all of this and I added, "Oh, wait, that must be because they aren't used to having adults around here." (snort) Give me a break. The relief I feel right now just shows that I wasn't into getting the job with my whole heart. Well, no, I have other responsibilities and it's been tearing me up trying to satisfy them all.

Now, if Yancey had come in like a bull. . .yeah, leaving would so be the option. But I like him so far. So, I talked with the DM about staying for one or two nights a week. She's not sure HR will go for it but we'll see.

So, where does the idiot part come in? Well, probably a little with that. But mostly because I am staying as assistant through the end of this month. (sigh) I was supposed to step down on Friday but I couldn't. Yancey was happy to have me do the schedules for him. Well, Chad's last day was Tuesday. He got a promotion at his "real" job and just couldn't see how he could do both until he gets used to the schedule. That would have been ok cause he only worked two days a week. He's a great employee so his presence will be missed but in terms of hours, it was ok cause the others will gladly fill the gap. And we have to let someone else go cause she has flaked out totally. But that was something I'd been scheduling around for a while. We are losing Russ next month because he's moving but that wasn't a big scheduling deal because by the time he leaves, we'll back to short hours. He wants beaucoup hours so he was gonna fill in for the others. And when Felicia leaves for PA for three weeks, Jon and Lindsay were planning on filling that gap with full hours. But then we lost Kim. For various personal reasons, she's moving back in with her parents who live two hours away. We didn't find that out until Monday and yesterday needed to be her last day. (sigh) That was a blow because not only do we all like her too, she is one of the kiosk people. Now, the kiosk can function with just the three who are left but they were all also going to fill in at the store so we wouldn't be short.

Well, everyone knows that means that we need new hires. But until Yancey gets them in and they get trained. . .that left us way too short while I was doing the schedules. I thought that if I just scheduled for the lowest possible end of hours we would use, that would be enough. But no, we came way to far under. There is just no way that the store can do well without me staying at least another week. There was too much of a gap in coverage. And you can throw someone into the pool but they can't swim like a seasoned vet. You can't get the gold with a greenie. So, I put myself on the schedule after I told Yancey. Now, he's happy to have me stay. He even told the DM he's ok with me staying on part-time. I called her to tell her that I was going to have to stay at least next week because of the scheduling problem. Well, she said that was fine and asked if I just wanted to push back my date. Yes, please. So, I get to set a new date. (sigh) It would have been so easy to leave if I hated Yancey. If I could feel completely angry and humiliated. But I don't. I just feel like I can't walk away without helping. I can't do it. And that makes me an idiot. How many times do I have to be smacked down before I learn? lol Well, those of you who've known me for years know that I have a very stubborn streak. And I can't stand to walk away from things easily. Especially people or things that I love. But I refuse to make myself ill over it. The DM admonished me to take it easy and not overdo it because I ended up out on Monday because I was in a lot of pain and had pulled one of my scars open a little. I stayed home to rest but was still blech on Wednesday.

No, I won't push it. I am taking off next weekend and dragging Mike to the beach for a much needed break. I need a few days away to recharge my batteries. So, yeah, I will take it easy.

Classes are over. I have one huge day coming up this Tuesday. Get everything graded and then I can end this hellish semester. Hence the break coming next weekend.

One advantage to staying as assistant for the rest of the month: I get two holiday days out of it. (grin) I didn't even think of that until Friday. And my vacation days will completely kick in so I won't owe the company them when I step down. But still, I was almost free for the holidays. I am such an idiot. I could have avoided all of the holiday work stress. Masochist. I'm a masochistic idiot. lol

Inner Duel

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking since last week. Ok, I know, I always do a lot of thinking. Of course this time it has mostly been about work. Inside I keep having a battle about staying and going at the store. Would I change my mind now? Probably not. It's really not in my best interest to stay at the store.

The past year has literally felt like hell for the most part while I've been there. It's really shown me what a stubborn streak I have. I hate to give up on things. So, I wonder why I finally did. I guess it's because I just feel tired. I feel worn out. And there have been too many dark moments over the past four months. Hell, dark even for me. I got through because of Michael and through just phoning it in most of the time. My physical health probably had a lot to do with it but I'm sure they fed on each other. Too many days I had to drag myself to the store. It will be a relief to not have the responsibility. But it tastes bitter.

I think that it's hard because I truly like the people I work with and my customers. I love helping people find books. I love knowing what is new and opening the boxes is almost like Christmas. I just did my last big splurge there (for a long time at least) and got some really awesome books. It's because we are having our employee days. The discount isn't much greater than we usually get but it's enough. I know I'll miss that. And everyone is shocked and sad to see me go. It's sweet. Does it make a big difference in the end for them? No. But it is nice that they care.

Actually, I know of at least one customer who will leave if the new manager doesn't pass muster. She's sick of the changeover.

I will probably look for a part-time job next year that doesn't require too much energy from me. I should try and bring some extra money in if I can. I'm just grateful that Michael is ok with this change. But then again, he's gotten to see the darker side of it all. But, for now, I keep working and looking forward to a break. Hopefully this time I will actually get one that isn't filled with stress. lol Yeah, right. I think I've slipped into a fantasy zone right now. But that's ok. I kind of like it here. ;o)