Inner Duel

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking since last week. Ok, I know, I always do a lot of thinking. Of course this time it has mostly been about work. Inside I keep having a battle about staying and going at the store. Would I change my mind now? Probably not. It's really not in my best interest to stay at the store.

The past year has literally felt like hell for the most part while I've been there. It's really shown me what a stubborn streak I have. I hate to give up on things. So, I wonder why I finally did. I guess it's because I just feel tired. I feel worn out. And there have been too many dark moments over the past four months. Hell, dark even for me. I got through because of Michael and through just phoning it in most of the time. My physical health probably had a lot to do with it but I'm sure they fed on each other. Too many days I had to drag myself to the store. It will be a relief to not have the responsibility. But it tastes bitter.

I think that it's hard because I truly like the people I work with and my customers. I love helping people find books. I love knowing what is new and opening the boxes is almost like Christmas. I just did my last big splurge there (for a long time at least) and got some really awesome books. It's because we are having our employee days. The discount isn't much greater than we usually get but it's enough. I know I'll miss that. And everyone is shocked and sad to see me go. It's sweet. Does it make a big difference in the end for them? No. But it is nice that they care.

Actually, I know of at least one customer who will leave if the new manager doesn't pass muster. She's sick of the changeover.

I will probably look for a part-time job next year that doesn't require too much energy from me. I should try and bring some extra money in if I can. I'm just grateful that Michael is ok with this change. But then again, he's gotten to see the darker side of it all. But, for now, I keep working and looking forward to a break. Hopefully this time I will actually get one that isn't filled with stress. lol Yeah, right. I think I've slipped into a fantasy zone right now. But that's ok. I kind of like it here. ;o)