Family Rant

Ok, so, I need to rant for a moment. Some of my family are (insert appropriate name). Fill in the () for yourself. I can't remember if I've mentioned this before so please forgive me if I did. One of my sisters-in-law had insisted that she be a bridesmaid in the wedding when I told her Michael and I were getting married. I was a little taken aback but not opposed to the idea. Just shocked as I'd already had a firm plan of who I was going to ask (and even that ended up changing for other reasons). See, here's the thing, I was one of her bridesmaids eons ago when she first married into the family. But it was all my mother's idea. Not mine. I was a young teen (about 12 or 13) at the time so I was cool with the idea but I don't think I would have been heartbroken not to have been in it. And yes, over the years she and I have become friends.

But. . .

While we are friends, I have a bunch of other friends too. So, I was thinking of asking different people to do different things for the wedding since I can't possibly have everyone in the wedding party. For example, I've asked the northern Kyle to walk me down the aisle since I no longer have my dad. I'd ask my brothers but they have daughters to do that for. Besides, I wouldn't want to choose between John and Chuck (though I could) and having all three of us won't work like I thought it would once upon a time. That had been my original image for that part -- one of them on either side of me but. . .(sigh). Anyway, I thought my sis-in-law could play the piano for us. Or help me with decorations since I could use some craftsy help. But no. She made excuses. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I just had a different image in my head.

Plus, she's having problems with my brother. Hell, he'sprobably not even coming. And neither has been on a trip in like 20 years. I kid you not. There is always some excuse. So, how do I know that there won't be again? There's so many ifs and I need something more solid so I can plan the day.

So, now she's saying that she won't be coming down.

Am I so wrong to not want problems for my wedding? I feel guilty for hurting her feelings. I didn't mean to. Am I being selfish? People keep telling me no but I feel rotten. Hell, there are so many people I love who I have not asked to be in the wedding and who I would so love to have play a part. I'm hoping they are ok with just coming and celebrating with us. I mean, to me, that is so important. Hell, they may get to participate anyway cause we have ideas for things to do. I have friends whose weddings I haven't been in as a bridesmaid. But that was cool. I got to do other things for them. And I was happy they were happy.

This sucks. I wish my family could just be happy for me and want to be there. I wish they could just go along with the plans. Cause it isn't just about Michael and I. We are the heart of the event but the soul consists of everyone we love. I am planning things not with just us in mind but with thoughts for how we can make this an event for everyone. An old fashioned ceremony wrapped up in an entertaining package. A party to celebrate our love between ourselves and everyone there.

But apparently that mushiness doesn't really gel for some. Or they don't believe my sincerity. I thought I was past that attitude from people. Guess not. So need to work on my dissertation cause the theme of familial betrayal is such a good thing for me to be working on right now.