Big Bad and the Martyr

Empathy can be a killer. Michael told me last night that it was one of my best traits and greatest faults. Best because it makes me a good person. Fault because I will beat myself up with it by internalizing and what ifs. (sigh)

I am the Big Bad Wolf right now because I've returned to the pack and driven off the leader so I could take over. Yeah, right. The former leader drove herself off. I sincerely wish that Jessica could be doing stuff tonight like she planned because I know that she loves it and put a lot of thought into it. But she can't be more than a participant so I have to take over the leadership role. We're going to do most of what she planned and the two changes are because the higher ups said we should do them. So, yeah, there ya go. Jess suggested that Melissa be Mistress of Ceremonies and that's a good idea. She's the only other one Jess told all this stuff too and since someone has to watch the store, that's what I'll do.

Melissa is the Martyr of the title. I say this because before we got a chance to discuss tonight, she was telling people that she felt like nothing more than just a bookseller. Like her opinions didn't matter or count.

My God, what more do I have to do to get her to see that I value her help and opinions? I guess I have to actually say these words directly to her cause she's not getting it! I'm sorry that I stole her thunder. That I came back unexpectedly and took over the job that she assumed was going to be hers. Yes, she was doing stuff while I was away. But how is that different from when she was gone a while back? Jessica told me that our HR person told Melissa that she would be acting manager since I was on leave and that the first time she knew about me being it was this past Saturday when I asked about Jessica's keys. I know I kept Melissa in the loop about what was going on. I could swear I told her that I would be acting manager. Hell, I even went to her and explained why I was thinking of applying. I guess none of that sunk in. As for what the HR person said, no, there was never anything concrete said until it was known whether I would be back. Jessica was told that she could make recommendations in her resignation but that was it. So, I can only assume that Jessica is the one who built Melissa up to take this hit. And I'm getting the fallout.

All week I've tried to make Melissa a part of tonight and ask her opinions, etc. Jessica was going to her with the information but I needed it cause I had to have a plan. It didn't mean that Melissa couldn't know. It meant that I needed to know because I'm responsible for this stuff. If I'm in charge, then I need to know. I was fine with Jess handling it cause I knew she would tell me at some point this week what was going on. But once her being banished came out. . .well, that changed. HP is a huge freaking deal for us and the weekend is going to be insane. Hell, I even asked Melissa to be on the conference call so that she could be in on what everyone was saying because I didn't want her to feel left out. She didn't do it because it was her day off and she was with her visiting family. Well, gee, sorry about that one. Had anyone I know been visiting, they would have understood that I needed an hour to do this. Hell they would have understood getting a few (2-3) on Wednesday because people at the store needed to ask my advice. Yeah, I guess I've stopped beating myself up over this and am now getting angry. I gotta squelch that now so I'll stop the rant.

(sigh) You wouldn't think there would be this much drama from a bookstore. And all you writer peeps. . .mine! lol I am so gonna put this into a book. Wish me luck today! I have so much to do!

Madness

I am well and truly insane. Oh, wait, we knew this. Anyway, I started to write a post on Monday that said "Let the Battle Begin" and went like this:

"And so I have thrown my hat into the ring tonight. After a week's worth of deliberations, I decided to go for the position. Can I handle it all? Who knows. But I do know that we need some options just in case Jonathan or Melissa aren't really acceptable candidates. Unlike them, though, I didn't have to apply through internal channels. I just had to send my résumé to out HR person's email. Doesn't mean I'm guaranteed the position but I have a good shot since I'm already in place. Guess it all depends upon who else has applied.

I just couldn't get over the fact that Melissa is being childish about staying if she doesn't get the position. I mean, she could still move up a rank, so to speak. But she doesn't want to deal with people pitying her." (update: apparently she got enough of that when her father died)

I didn't get to finish that because of making dinner. Anyway, I have my interview today at 1p. Jon and Melissa have theirs tomorrow. Basically, if the HR person likes any of us, we then get passed on for an interview with the RD. Lord only knows how long the decision will take. For right now I am acting manager (small pay rise woohoo). This didn't sit well with Melissa because she was under the impression that she would be getting that job. Um, ok. The way this works is that when a manager leaves, the assistant takes over until the post is filled. I know that I was on medical leave when this all went down but that didn't mean that I wouldn't have that possibility. Anyway, that explains the freezing reception from her on Monday. She came in like she wanted to have my head on a platter. Look, I'm not trying to steal her thunder but I wouldn't have been able to just sit by this week and not go nuts worrying about stuff there. I have a string responsible streak and it would have been hellish for her and Jon to have been the only keyholders. Yeah, a weekend with only two is one thing but an entire week? And the Harry Potter week at that? Sheesh But she seems to have gotten over that because she was better with me on Tuesday and seemed more normal. But I don't know if that is going to last. (sigh)

Why do I say that? Because the week has turned into one glorified bomb. We got a call that Jessica will not be coming back to work at the store part-time. The higher ups think that is just too darn complicated so they have banned her from even doing the HP event with us tomorrow night! Eeeek! What does this mean? Well, since Jess didn't bother to share her plans with any of us beyond superficial ideas, it means that we get to try and make it work. None of us thought that this would be a problem. I've been trying to figure out what is supposed to happen since I got back because I hate not knowing.

Anyway, it means I was at the store until 8p last night (got there at 9) and am headed there this morning and later today even though it's my day off. We have a ton to do. Jess was a doll yesterday and came by to tell me what she plans because I need to know. She went by Melissa's to tell her, and that's great, but I wasn't going to get to see Melissa until tonight and I kind of needed to have an idea sooner. (sigh) But Jessica has some awesome ideas (I never doubted that). She's done this before so you know I trust her judgment. I mean, we did something too but it was a little lame. This one will rock. Hopefully Melissa believes that cause when I talked to her yesterday she was so pessimistic about it. We can do this. Does it suck that Jess can't partake? Yeah. Will we completely bomb without her? No. So, I have much to do today with that and house stuff. The bank's appraiser is coming by this afternoon after my interview (which is via phone) and then I have a conference call at 3p. After that it's back to the store to meet with Jon and Melissa about tomorrow. Oh, and on top of all this, I am finalizing the plans for the couple's shower. Thank God for Dale's sister and Ann-Marie. I so need to do something nice for each of them.

I'll try and keep you posted. Hugs.

Divine Retribution From God

That's what Mike called me today. lol We were talking about everything that's been going on. Cause, basically right now I have 4 main foci: him, the dissertation, the bookstore, and teaching. Not necessarily in that order. But that's just it. . .I have to decide what should be the most important. Mike said he wasn't going anywhere. No, but that's not the point. I like spending time with him. And if I can't do that, neither of us is going to be very happy. Mike considers work a big priority but both of mine spill over into my private life more than his does. It's all about time management. Gee, really? I so suck at that. lol

Why Mike said the title is because I asked him if I was driving him nuts with this stuff. He said no. Why? "Because I see myself in you. You're like a divine retribution from God for all the times I put off doing what needed to be done in school, or at work, or wherever." lol Basically, I always find excuses not to get started on stuff. Well, yeah, I knew that. I need things to be just so in order to get started. But in reality, those things don't need to happen. I don't need to have all of my books organized in order to work on the dissertation. That's just one example.

Sad but true. In theory can I do everything? Yes. In actuality? Dunno. The thought is that if I can delegate everything and prioritize just right, it won't be a problem. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? It would be if I knew better exactly what I want. It sucks sometimes to be interested in too many things at once.

To Manage Or Not To Manage

The week went by quickly. I've been having problems with migraines but I think that's the weather because we've had storms on and off. Yesterday was the first day where it didn't feel like my head was gonna explode and it was sunny out so there ya go.

The only thing I've been able to do with the house purchase has been to get my insurance agent to start the ball rolling for what she needs done. The insurance inspector came by yesterday to look everything over. He'd called on Wednesday but I was resting so my head wouldn't fall off. When I called him back yesterday, he was actually driving towards our end of town. He kept saying how I couldn't have had better timing. It was funny. He was really nice. So, at least that's one more thing done. The rest has to wait until our mortgage dude gets back from vacation next week. But we should still be able to close by the end of the month.

As for the store. . .well, I've been thinking hard about the position. Jonathan decided to throw his hat into the ring and I think that's good. If Melissa has a shot at it, so does he. The problem is that neither of them has on their resumes anything that fits "at least one year minimum retail management experience." Being keyholders is not the same thing though Melissa believes that it should be. She feels that they will "do the right thing" and hire her because of all of the hard work that she's done for the company and what's right for the store (which is to keep the position filled internally). Plus she doesn't think it's fair that they would penalize her for the fact that someone (me) was already in the position when she came over with Jess. If I hadn't been there, or had quit, she would be the assistant. Probably true. But because she didn't push me out of my job, it shouldn't look bad for her. Um, ok, like she could have but whatever. I don't think she realized how that sounded.

Well, I spoke with our HR person and that's not necessarily the case. They don't usually promote people from bookseller to manager, especially if they don't have previous managerial experience. Plus, while they do prefer to start from within the store, if someone from outside applies who has more credentials, they will go with that person. (sigh) Well, we don't want to end up with a nightmare manager. So, Jon has been pushing me to apply so that there is at least a backup.

The problem is, I don't want to compete with Melissa. She really wants the job. I think that she'll be fine as a manger (but hey, I've been wrong before). The only thing that bothers me about this is that when I talked to her on Tuesday about the idea of me as backup, she said that if she doesn't get the position, she'll leave! She can't stand the idea that she'll be pitied for not getting it. People have been telling her left and right that she should have the position (including myself) and she keeps getting asked if she's going to be doing it once Jess is gone. Well, heck, I've been getting asked that question forever even when Jess wasn't going to be leaving. lol And no, I didn't tell her that. But she doesn't think that she will be able to handle the humiliation. Also, if the company doesn't reward her for all of the hard work, why stay? Um, cause if they bumped me up, she'd be bumped up to my position? And that would mean she'd be working her way through the ranks like people normally do? And if I was the one put in, people would logically go, well, that makes sense? Sheesh Hell, they might not even decide to go with me! Am I going to quit if that happens? No. Will Jon if he doesn't get it? No.

So, I'm going to apply. What happens after that, well, I don't know. We'll see. If neither of them was a truly likely candidate and they offer it to me, I'll take it. If one of them comes in a close second. . .well, I can always bow out. So much for making my life less stressful. lol

Woohoo!

We got the house! Not sure what happened with the woman's bid but it doesn't matter cause we are on our way. Thank God. We actually would have known Friday night if we'd checked Mike's email and/or the mailbox. I was expecting a phone call, not an email. So, when Cindy got the mail for us yesterday and found our purchase agreement in the box, I was surprised and puzzled. It was signed and dated for Friday but I didn't want to get my hopes up that it was what it seemed since there was no note. I had Mike call Hite to confirm it. So, yay! We'll ask Hite later about why we got the bid. Simple curiosity.

Wow. . .it took my brain a while to process it all cause everything has been so stressful for the past two months (heck, longer than that). There's still so much to do but at least my body feels less tense. I mean, how could it not when both the work and home situations have improved. There's still tons to do for both things but. . .woohoo!

It's a good thing that I still have this coming week off from work. That couldn't have happened at a better time. Yeah, I know that things happen for a reason but I still get surprised by it sometimes. I knew there was a reason we ended up here last year. We were drawn to the place from the start. And even though it wasn't our first choice of rent, when it came time to make a quick decision to sign a lease or wait for the other option, we signed. I still remember walking through this house while it was empty. I tried so hard not to show how excited I was about it. And Mike was too. We see so much potential here and already have plans for what we can do to make it better. Mostly we want to add on to the house. Create a bigger bedroom for ourselves (my office is the largest bedroom right now but even that's not saying much for size) and add another bathroom. I suggested a while ago that we combine the bath and a half into one big bathroom cause they are back to back (the half bath is connected to my office). Mike also wants to add a sun room. Our backyard is big enough to support the future plans. It's so nice to dream that way.

So, now I have to get the ball rolling on the paperwork and finances for the house. Get the paperwork out for going back to work. Resume my job and get things there up to snuff for the RDs visit. Thank God I have Jon and Melissa to help with that. Gather what I need for Val's couples shower. Get stuff at the house organized and finally start working on that damn dissertation. lol I'm sure I'm forgetting something. No one can say that my life is dull, that's for sure. Oh, well, maybe for some people but not me. And that's cool. I like being busy. I just don't like being stressed out as much as I have been. I don't have the mental reserves for it that I used to. I think it's because I have a hard time getting into that numbed zone where I just exist and move. In a way that's a good thing. So I'll just keep on chugging and keep you all posted. Hugs.

Up Early Again

What a week! I couldn't sleep anymore even though I am really tired. Brain kicked in and wouldn't stop chugging. My doctor has said that I need to start meditating.

Well, they have approved me to go back to work. My therapist thinks it's great that Jess is leaving and sees no reason why I can't go back since my relationship with her was the main source of my work stress. But it won't be easy for a while since we have a transition to go through. Not sure who will end up as the manager but that is the least of the worry right now. Harry Potter weekend will be upon me when I return and I also forgot that our Regional Director is supposed to visit that week! Ugh Jon reminded me about it last night. Just what I need. Fortunately, everything looks ok at the store though I did notice stuff out of place, etc. Melissa plans on getting things cleaned up asap but still.

Jess apparently has a ton of paperwork that's been piling up. Am I surprised? No. Will I end up doing it? Dunno. Melissa told Jess that she had to do it before she stepped down but who knows how much weight that actually carries.

On a different note, the week was really stressful on Mike and I. We're fine but we keep getting into these tense moments because of finances and stuff. He knew that Jami and Cynthia were coming to visit and I had budgeted some of my money for that but he's stressed out about making our accounts look as good as possible for the bank. Gene (the mortgage guy) told is to leave as much in the accounts as we could. Well, I sat down and figured out the exact due dates of the bills (I have set times I usually pay them) so that we could maximize that. I can't tell if Mike is on my account yet or not but that is supposed to help. Whatever. I actually got back some money from USC for my spring tuition since I got approved for in-state because of the bookstore. That was a nice surprise because I didn't know what they were gonna do (check or credit).

All I know is I'm getting tired of the emotional roller coaster I'm on. The doc has upped the prescription. And we're keeping an eye on the new bc since that could be playing a part too. Oh, yay. Well, have a good weekend, all!

Future Family

Had a really interesting talk with Michael's mom, Melba, today. Well, I guess by the time this posts, it will be yesterday. But whatever. She called to ask how things were going and we ended up on the phone for three hours! It was awesome. I feel so much better now about how she views me.

I don't know if Michael told her that I was still feeling nervous around her or if she picked up on it but it was cool. Our childhood's parallel in some ways that I found interesting and I learned a lot about Michael's family. Melba was very open about her marriage and stuff. I liked her when I met her and I like her more every time we talk. Hopefully we'll be able to bring about a closeness within the family that has apparently been missing for some time. There are obviously a lot of relatives about so that's easy enough. lol

Jonathan asked me if I called her "mom". I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that. Mike pointed out last month that I will soon have another mother but I'm not sure how I feel about that idea. I haven't had one for so long that I don't know what it feels like any more. I know what it should feel like and how the relationship should go but. . . .

When I was a child, I had friends who's mother wanted me to call her mom. I didn't feel right about it because I had a mother. I guess I still feel that way. She's Mike's mother. Maybe I'll feel differently after a few years of marriage and we've all interacted as a family. Dunno. But right now I don't.

I am glad though that we had such a talk today. It felt easy. It was good. And it made me happy. yay

How Do You Spell Stress?

Oh, gee, I don't know. I guess you spell it L-I-F-E. I say that because that does seem to be how mine goes.

So, we still haven't heard back from Hite about the house which isn't a surprise but you can imagine what the waiting is doing to Mike and I. We're trying not to let it affect our relationship and it isn't but that's only because we keep trying to distract ourselves. Fortunately we got to spend most of Tuesday (he had a half day) and all day yesterday together doing stuff. We went riding again yesterday morning. I did about 4+ miles which I think is going to be my norm until I get my body used to riding again. I did do better overall. So, once I can do the hills, etc without stopping, I'll start going further and further. Mike went all the way down and back when I turned around and that was just fine. He's more used to it.

I spoke with Melissa on Tuesday and again yesterday. Well, she does plan on applying and she called our HR person yesterday to tell her. I think Melissa will make a good manager. I've decided not to apply for the position but instead to support her application. Would I like to be manager? Yes. Would I do a good job? I like to think so. Do I have the time? No. It's just not the right time for me to be taking on a responsibility like that. Hell, I don't even know if I can handle doing my job now. I've been so jittery and spazzy lately that it's amazing I'm getting anything done at all. My emotions and nerves are all over the place. Maybe I need to up the meds, maybe I need more sleep, maybe I just need a little bit of everything. All I know is my stupid brain keeps going into some very dark places and it's pissing me off. So, do I need to be handling the store? Um, that would be a no. And Melissa has the time, the drive, and the right ideas. She doesn't have the training, but that can be remedied. So, after my doc appointments tomorrow, I'll be calling HR and telling them that I support her bid for manager. What I will offer to do is be acting manager (like usually happens in this case) until they make a decision and/or get Melissa up to a speed that makes them comfortable. Hell, I may not even have to take on that role. But I'll have time for it so long as we're not having to look for another house.

I also told Melissa that no matter what happens, I was taking off the last weekend of this month because I am responsible for Valerie's couple's shower up in DC. She'd shoot me (or worse) if I missed it. She graciously insisted that I not go to the girlie one this past weekend (which turned out to be a good thing because of the house mess) but I can't miss the couple's. I already stressed her out this week by not getting the invites out until Tuesday after I said that I would get them out by last Friday. Well, I didn't want to screw them up and I wanted Mike to help me put them together which didn't happen til Tuesday. I thought we'd get them done on Sunday and I'd mail them Monday but I ended up being such a basketcase that I couldn't focus. I should have made myself do so last week. (sigh) I so don't want to stress her out more than she already is cause she has enough crap going on herself. Hopefully this will be the only thing I do as her MOH that does. I figure that the odds were good that I would do something that would so hopefully we've gotten it out of the way. Oh, well, she'll owe me one next year.

At any rate, I have a ton to do today and better get to it. Jami and Cynthia are coming to visit tonight and I have grading to do, straightening to do (thank God the house is clean), and a couple other things. Yippee. Oh, and trying not to spazz again, that would be a good goal too. lol

Reversal of Fortune?

I am always amazed at how quickly life can change. At how suddenly things can get thrown at you so that you feel like you've been hit with a brick bat.

We finally got a call back from the guy at Wachovia yesterday. Turns out it was his grandmother who died last Tuesday. Well, Thursday night, his wife's aunt died too. So that was why he was out of the office. But he ran some figures and got us an answer. The ironic thing is that I can't factor into the loan process because of my student loans. Doesn't matter that I've improved my credit score, etc, my debt amount is too high with them. (sigh) But Mike can get the mortgage by himself! He finds that highly amusing because last year he couldn't even get a Borders credit card because his credit was messed up. But because we've been working on it since January, his score is higher than mine and all but one blemish is fixed on his record. It's really amusing in the irony because we had to use my credit stuff to help fix his. So, the mortgage will be in his name but both of us will be on the deed.

We gave Hite our Intent to Purchase contract last night along with an earnest money check (good faith money that we will either get back or apply to closing costs). Our only snag was that we had to ask him to say that he would pay the majority of the closing costs because we don't have enough money for that in our accounts at the moment. Can we get it? Yeah, but it has to sit in our accounts for 60 days before they consider it truly ours. Whatever. The mortgage dude suggested that we have Hite claim it on paper and we can always pay him the money. I wrote up a contract to that effect and we signed it. So, now we wait. Hite gave the former owner until Friday as well to get in her bid. We beat her because we just want to get this over with. But I think that helps a lot that we pushed so hard to show how much we want the place. We'll see.

The other thing that happened yesterday? Jon calls me before he clocked in to work to tell me that Jessica gave her two week notice yesterday!?! "Oh my God!" and "What the Hell!?!" were my two favorite phrases for quite a while. Seems she got a job offer from out former district manager. Well, that explains all the phone calls. And it certainly solidifies my claims of them being friends, etc. Yeah, and they tried to make me look crazy on that one. So now what? I have no freaking clue. I am still in shock over this. But I spoke with Shannon in HR this morning and am currently IMing with Jen so I'll have an idea what the higher ups are thinking. I called and woke up Jon so he could get over here and we could go talk to Melissa. I need to know what she's thinking and I think the three of us need to keep the communication lines open.

This is so big. I have so much to think about. So, I'll probably do that a lot here. That's what I get for liking options. Argh! lol

Nightmares and Dreamscapes

I thought the Stephen King title would be appropriate to use today.

So, ok, what happened yesterday? Well, that would be the first part of the title. Mike and I straightened up before Hite came over with "that" woman to look at the house. Even if I was inclined to not see her as a competitor, I wouldn't have liked her. Her daughter was nice but I wasn't able to be uber friendly. They came in and the mother was like, "Oh, you do like to read." Guess Hite told her one reason we didn't want his other house is because we need room for all of the books. Yeah, what? You think we couldn't prove that? Then in the kitchen she couldn't stop gushing about how much the cabinets hadn't changed. Repeatedly. Mike's mom said we should have painted them black. lol While Hite was talking, the mother actually opened one of our low cabinets that we had brought in for stuff! I told her that was ours and not part of the house. She was like, "Oh, well, I didn't remember it being here." Right, cause it's not something that was once yours. Ok, I'm getting snarky mean.

Hite went through a long list of things that he had to do to improve the house. Wow. . .it was a lot. They didn't seem overly impressed by the work he had to do. At one point the daughter tried to start conversation by saying, "I grew up in this house. It always seems so much bigger when you're small." I was just too fried to do much more than give a polite nod.

After the "inspection" Hite spoke with us all separately. He talked with them first and then cam in to speak with us. Seems that the reason he all of a sudden decided to sell (which he wouldn't have otherwise) is because he had bought a place which he is fixing up to be his primary residence. Problem is that it's costing him way more than he thought it would to fix it up so he needs some ready cash. He feels sorry for the other woman because she has a sentimental attachment to this house. I told him my honest view on that. lol Ok, maybe I sounded mean and harsh, and yes a part of me does understand her view, but she could have found a way to stay here in the first place. I sympathized more with the daughter but still, I hate it that I now have to feel a little guilty on top of this all too.

Hite is having a hard time deciding between us. He's a nice man and wants to be fair. (sigh) I do feel sorry for him that he has to deal with this but. . . . Anyway, it comes down to this: Mike and I have to the end of the week to get financial backing to buy the house. If we need longer, Hite will give it to us. Then we and the mother each make our bid and he will pick whichever is financially better for him. We already told him that we were willing to give him the appraisal value as we thought that was fair. But he doesn't want the three of us bidding against each other so none of us has an edge right now. It will come down to whether they offer him that as well or try and go lower. Hell, they may go a little higher just to do so. Maybe we should throw in our security deposit. lol

Anyway, if we lose, we have to find a new place to live. Only now we either have to continue renting or start at square one to buy. If we can get financing, we'll do the latter. We're having problems right now because we don't have a lot of ready cash since we weren't expecting to have to do this now. We have a nice little sum for the rest of the summer to cover bills but not to cover closing costs. So we're looking into various ways to get that money. 100% financing is an option but the closing costs hanging us up. Last week I went to Wachovia first and spoke with someone there. He was supposed to get back with us by lunch Wednesday but had a death in the family and was out until Friday. I was unable to reach him. So, that is where I start today. I've already done what I can online and submitted applications but it looks like I actually need to speak to human beings. Hell, I just wanted to know that we could get something.

I am going to have such a fun day.

Spinning My Wheels

Ok, there is a double meaning to today's title as you will soon see. The first meaning is that Mike has been dragging me out to finally ride our bicycles. Well, he doesn't have to drag me as I actually like riding but it hasn't been easy in this heat. We did 6 miles on Saturday -- almost died cause there was no shade and way too hot. Then we did 8 on Sunday -- not too bad as we went much later when it was cooling off and getting dark. And last we did 4 on Wednesday night -- made the mistake of going after dinner which was so not smart. So, now we know to 1) go when it's cool and 2) go on relatively empty stomachs. Mike was fine cause he used to do this all the time but I got sick on Sat and Wed. I'm ok and feeling pretty good about having done 18 miles this week. We're going when we can and not pushing it beyond the 8 mile mark until I get used to riding again. When you figure that I haven't been regularly on a bike since my freshman year of college. . .not bad. lol

The second meaning of the title has to do with the gap in writing. Good grief, it's been two weeks?!? You'd think with me not being at the store my life would be less frantic. Guess not.

Well, last week I had three days of massive jitters and stuff. Probably hormonal but it was unexpected so I pretty much just focused on grading, straightening, and playing online golf with Mike. You heard me right. He found a website and we've been geekily addicted to it since. It's actually pretty cool and we're evenly matched so it makes it fun. Sad, isn't it? I think the other reason for the jitters was because our landlord has made a decision about the house we're renting.

Ok, see, back at the beginning of the month our landlord, Hite, called to see if we wanted to stay another year. We would like to but wanted a month by month lease because we have been discussing buying a house next year. Makes more sense to own than to rent, right? I told him this and also asked if he'd be willing to sell us this house because we really like it and think it makes a great "first" home. Well, he wasn't sure because he hadn't had it appraised. I told him I would talk with Mike about a year lease and get back to him. During that time, Hite must have thought hard about it because the next thing I know, he's willing to sell it. But see, there's a catch. . .the original owner wants to buy the house back. She's apparently been bugging him since he bought the place in 2004. Apparently she sold the house to her son-in-law who proceeded to trash it and then Hite bought and fixed it. So now she wants it back. Of course she does. . .he did all the repair work.

The house was built in 1972 so it's only a year younger than me. So, the way I see it, there can't have been too much sentimental value in it for her if she didn't buy it back from her dumb in-law. Of course, there could have been other reasons too but I'm sorry, we're here and we want the house. We've been taking good care of it and have ideas of how to improve it. Well, Hite had the place appraised last Friday and let us know on Monday what it's worth. He's not asking for anything more than that. However, we don't have a down payment for a mortgage yet (cause we were looking to save for next year). That might not be a problem since it's possible to get 100% financing but who knows? Hite sent us the appraisal and an intent to purchase contract on which he is giving us a week to give back! He's coming over on Sunday with the woman and her daughter to look at the house. All week it's been like, "Oh my God! We need to get a mortgage and buy this place or we are going to have to move!" Is it the best time to buy? Probably not but we don't seem to have much choice now. Suddenly we're being rushed into doing something we were just trying to feel out. Eeek!

One good thing is that because of the price of the house, any mortgage we get will be less than or about the same price that we pay in rent right now. So, that's not a problem. We'll see. I have some stuff to do today and will keep you posted on what happens. Sheesh.

Mini-Vacation

It was a very nice little break. For those of you who didn't read the previous post, Mike had to work in Myrtle Beach last Thursday and they suggested he take me with him for some time away. Hey, who am I to argue? First he had to do a job in Charleston so we left really early. That didn't take long. The place had some nice woods and a gazebo near it so I laid down and took a nap. We had lunch at a really yummy Italian restaurant (owned by Greeks, go figure) in MB. It was a good find: Pizza Ala Roma III off Business 17. Somewhere bewteen the southern and nothern avenue blocks changeover. Don't remember exactly but if your coming from the south, it's on the right hand side. Anyway, then we headed to the hotel so we could check in and I could chill til Mike got back. That worked well. Stayed at the Marriott that is near Broadway at the Beach. Got a good deal too.

Mike was done before 5p so we wandered over to the Broadway place. It's huge with a lot of shops and stuff. Had a dinner at a place called Tripps. Mike's shrimp alfredo was good. My ribs were a little eh. I always seem to get disappointed by the ribs I get when I go out. It's rare for me to have them but if I get in the mood, they just never seem to live up to the expectations. Oh well. They were ok. The entire place was open til 11p so we got back late.

On Friday, Mike woke up late but it didn't matter cause he was waiting for the dispatcher to call with where he was supposed to go. Basically it ended up being a lazy day with him on call and doing phone tech support. So, we wandered down to the beach. It was overcast and rainy but that was ok cause it kept the crowds away. We ate lunch at the River City Cafe. On the outside it looks like a rundown shack. On the inside there is graffitti everywhere. I had seen it from the car the day before and it was busy so I thought it must be a good place to eat. Turns out it was part of a chain. We both opted for burgers. Mine was "normal" but Mike just had to try a peanut butter cheeseburger. You heard me right. He added the cheese. Actually, it was pretty good even though it sounds gross. lol

After lunch, we walked along the beach and it was sooooo relaxing. Then we played some games (skeeball, etc) to win cheesy prizes. But it was fun. We decided to head to this bookstore that we had passed on the highway. What can I say? We're book geeks. The place, Giant Book Sale, turned out to be a bargain outlet with paperbacks, hard covers, audio, etc. It was kind of like the Book Warehouse in PA. The prices were awesome. We managed to get 3 audio books and a dozen plus assortment of others for $46. Good thing we don't live there. lol I also got us an extra discount for being a teacher cause they count professors in that group. Cool, huh?

We ended up having dinner at a place called Crabby Mike's. Fitting, non? They had a huge buffet. It was on the expensive side but Mike made sure to eat enough crab legs to make up for it. I had a little and some shrimp. Fortunately, the buffet included things for those of us who are more land inclined in our tastes. But overall it was a good experience.

We had decided that we should save the shopping for Saturday since the weather was supposed to be nice and most people would be at the beach. Plus we wouldn't have to worry about trekking sand home. We got to Broadway fairly early and it was nice to wander in and out of the shops. We didn't buy much cause we're behaving ourselves. But we did see a lot of great stuff. Lunch was at Senor Frog's. As you can guess, it's Mexican. The tourist center had been giving out coupons and this restaurant's was for free Chef's Nachos with a purchase of an entree. So, we chose the two person Taco assortment plate and got the nachos for free. Lots of food and very yummy. The only downside to this money savings is that our iced teas cost almost $3 each! Yikes! Oh, well, we still did all right. Broadway has a mini golf course. Well, actually, they have two separate courses. So, we got the day pass cause it's cheaper than doing both separate and had at it. It was the most fun I've ever had playing mini golf. We had wanted to try some of the other places along 17 (like Jurassic Golf Park) but we were just too worn out by the time we left Broadway at 5p. Plus, it had been very sunny and Mike was starting to feel it as was I. He didn't have the benefit of my 60+ sunscreen so he got red. However, unlike me, he doesn't feel it much because of his Cherokee blood. I only got a little pink on my arms because I didn't slather there for a while. But the rest of me is ok. Still, being out like that made us both tired.

The weekend ended up feeling like we took a whole week's vacation. That's ok. It was very much needed and I feel better. Didn't really want to come home but it felt good once we got back. I had gotten a new chair for my office last week and am now getting a chance to test it out since Mike put it together for me on Saturday night. He had the craving to build something. Good thing it was here to do or God only knows what we would have ended up with.

By the way, I'll be posting this later than the time this says on here so that people will have a chance to sign up for the new groups. So, there's nothing wrong with your emails, I just delayed the posting.

Getting Away

So, I am currently sitting in a hotel room in Myrtle Beach. Before you start wondering why I'm writing instead of playing, well, the hotel is a few miles inland. Not too far a drive (five minutes or so) but a hefty walk. Mike's company sent him on an install and suggested he bring me with him. Who am I to turn down a free hotel room? We will be paying for a second night tomorrow but since I got us a Courtyard Marriott for $83/night (with the tax), who's complaining? That's what I thought. Go me and travel. Maybe I need to change my vocation. lol

We won't be gone long but will be able to go to the beach and have some relaxation. Lord knows I need that. So, til Mike gets back from work, I'm gonna chill here and enjoy the quiet. And catch up on some stuff. Just exist for a while.

I did have a couple of good things happen over the past few days. We got the house cleaned and looking like we live there rather than like it's a storage shed. We threw out a lot of junk and I shrunk stuff down into manageable boxes. Next week I'll be organizing and putting stuff away. We loaded up the spare bedroom again so that I have one spot to work from. God, it's good to have clean and space. It's helped both our moods. We also had a jolt to get it done quickly because Maja came to visit. For those of you who don't know, she's my German friend. We met about six or so years ago at USC. She's now a journalist back home but had popped over here to visit some friends in Baltimore. When I found out she was here and realized I had time, I offered to go up or her to come down. Maja's friends lent her a car and she drove down. It was a very cool visit and I am ever so happy she came. Both Jon and Mike like her and she seems to like them. They helped "babysit" (her words) her while I was in class and at an appointment. Though she is quite able to take care of herself, I felt bad for leaving her alone which is why I wanted them to help. Besides, it's not like they minded. In fact, when I mentioned that non-US friends get a place to stay for the wedding, she volunteered Jon's place for herself. lol You should have seen Jon's face when I told him. That was funny. Guess he was relegated to trusted friend status. Wouldn't be the first time it's happened, eh Jon?

I had my appointment yesterday with the counseling center's psychiatrist. She's nice. Basically, it comes down to me having extreme anxiety coupled with depression. No bipolar stuff -- she doesn't think Lashley had labeled me that way, thank God. But considering the family history, it's possible since that can spring up at any point. Anyway, I am obviously maxed out on the stressors and stuff so she's prescribed Lexapro. It's an SSRI that is similar to Zoloft for those of you who know what that is (just look at the commercials). It's geared towards both depression and anxiety. I'll spare you more info cause you can look it up on the main website. She has me on the lowest dose right now because you have to start out slow and build up plus she doesn't want to cost me a ton of money. Gee, I think this will get me the FMLA and short-term disability stuff. Hope so anyway. The side effects are supposed to be mild but if I notice anything odd, I'm to tell her asap and stop taking it. I had no bad reactions to the Luvox years ago but that doesn't mean anything. What I didn't like about that is it made me feel too neutral after a while. I didn't feel particularly happy or sad and it was kind of bland. But I want to feel less spazzy so I'm willing to give it a shot. We'll see.

Oh My God

Just had to share this with you. . .there's a Hello Kitty wedding dress:



I showed it to Mike and he was like, "Honey, if you love me. . . ." Oh, HELL no! lol Thank God he was joking. I think. Oh, Lord, please be joking.

Here We Go Again

So, I am now officially out on medical leave. The woman from benefits finally got ahold of me on Tuesday (we'd been playing phone tag) and is sending me the FMLA paperwork. She also told me to call Aetna because the company offers disability pay. What? Cool. Was just gonna suffer through without my income and let Mike help me. You gotta know how much that irked me. Well, if the woman I spoke to had had a personality I might have fallen over. She was very mean and rude but I assumed that she was just doing her job cause people probably make false claims all the time and stuff. But no, I just spoke to another rep and she was very sweet and polite. See? You don't have to be mean to people. Anyway, I digress. It turned out that in order to get the paperwork processed, I needed a DOCTOR's signature. My two medical peeps are both NURSE PRACTITIONERS. The first rep made it sound like I was doing something wrong and wasting her time because I thought Julie was an MD but we couldn't find her info in the system. So, I was going to have to call back with her info. When I spoke with Julie and found out she was also a nurse practitioner, I was stumped. So, I decided to call Gaye and find out what she thought or if she could direct me to a doctor for all of this so we could do things "properly." She recommended someone and I set up an appointment for yesterday afternoon.

Gotta love USC, they get you in as quickly as they can. And if it's a true emergency, they get you in even faster. Fortunately they are slow right now because of summer so I knew I didn't have any worries at all. I didn't and had time to do lunch with Mike. I like the doctor, he's very nice. I was a bit hyper (manic) and it showed in my blood pressure: 145/79. Good bottom, sucky top. One reason I was stressed was because I didn't know what he would be like or say. I mean, I trust Gaye's opinion but still. Fortunately, he trusts Gaye too so it was all good. Where we get the title of the blog is from what he recommended -- that I go to the counseling center and see the new psychiatrist. Great. He was pretty adamant that I do so and knowing that the benefits conditions state the necessity of a psychiatrist for anything related to mental health, I agreed to go. This way if he writes down extreme anxiety or stress or whatever, I'm covered through that as well. Gaye thought that I should be out for 4-6 weeks but Dr. King said at least six weeks, possibly more depending upon what the other doc says. Great, Jess is gonna love that.

Anyway, I decided to just go over to CHDC (Counseling and Human Development Center) since I had time and then wouldn't have to come back if they could squeeze me in. I think I might have freaked the secretary a little (I didn't recognize her) when I said I was sent over cause I guess that made it sound like an emergency. I just wanted her to know why I was there and it was a referral. But that all got straightened out. I spoke briefly with the new psychiatrist (thank God the old one is gone because I did not like him). See, for those of you who don't know, I went there from the fall of 1998 to at the fall of 2003 (minus the year off for when I was in France). I only needed the psychiatric part of it for the first two years of my counseling. Can't remember the full diagnosis beyond being OCD (duh, we know that lol). There was a different psychiatrist then from the guy I just mentioned not liking and he was cool. I think he labeled me with bi-polar tendencies. Not sure if he diagnosed me with as being full-blown with it. But whatever cause all of that info is poof and I get to start fresh.

The new psych talked only briefly with me to get a feel for what is up and why I was there. Then she let me go finish filling out the paperwork and set me up to talk with one of the counselors. Most of the people are new. There's only two left from when I was there before. I like Russell but I didn't want to see him cause something about him has always made me kind of nervous. Did group stuff with him and Ruthann one time and that could be why. As for the other woman, I think Ruthann had recommended her but since I suck at remembering names, I didn't ask for her. So, I ended up with someone new. I wasn't thrilled at first with getting a guy only because most of the male psychologists/psychiatrists I've met have had a huge arrogant vibe. But Jaime is cool. He doesn't have that at all and "feels" more like Ruthann. So, that should do. I will see him next week again and also see Dr. Khetpal for an evaluation next week. She seems very nice so I think I'll be ok there too. A part of me doesn't want to go this route again but I need to do something.

I'm just trying to figure stuff out. I think I wore myself out physically again by working so much when my body needed rest to try and heal itself. December and January were very rough months. I wish I had known about FMLA then and the short term disability because I would have done it but the money thing became all pervasive. Mike would have helped me but I wasn't in a frame of mind to let him. Too damn independent sometimes for my own good. I try not to judge him based upon the men in my family but that's hard to do in situations such as the financial. The thing with Jessica last month was just the last straw in a long line of stressors I've had for the past year from work and her. (shrug) So, we'll see. You all knew I was crazy, I'm just reaffirming it. ;o)

How To Make Someone Smile

Well, I found a way to make Michael feel better when the weather has his back acting up. I can't remember if I've typed this before so forgive me if I repeat myself. See, a few years ago he was in a very nasty car accident that left him with a broken back. They weren't sure if he would walk again because of the severity of the injuries. He has a steel rod though his spine and obviously managed to get his body to function properly for him again but whenever the weather turns ugly (cold, rain, etc) his back hurts him like hell. He refuses to take anything for the pain beyond Advil because he already did the bout with harder stuff back in the day and all the problems that came with it. So, he suffers through.

I've been helping him with massages and he's noticed a huge improvement in his back and pain level since we've been together. I've also noticed a big improvement in his sensitivity to touch. When we first started dating, he was very touchy about people touching him. He would flinch a lot. Now, he doesn't react very much. And he's gotten so used to having a lot of good days that when he gets hit with a bad one, it feels really bad. (sigh) Always a trade off.

Yesterday we finally got some much needed rain. It has been dry as a bone down here for the past couple of weeks. We had a decent amount of rain in the early part of spring but nothing for a long while now. The tropical storm that had hit Florida finally stirred up some moisture for us. Unfortunately it also caused some nasty pressure changes that has been causing myself and others nice migraines and Michael to have a spazzing back.

Well, two weeks ago Michael had dropped me off at a mall in Charlotte while he was working and I'd found some cute pajamas at Torrid. Yes, I know, hard to imagine me wearing cute pjs. And I'm not talking about color or cut, I'm talking character pjs. See, with Michael's love of manga, anime, and almost everything Japanese, we've developed a running gag about Hello Kitty. Yes, you heard me right. I now own Hello Kitty pjs. I swear, I don't think I've had cutesy clothing since I was a kid. And even then I limited that after being teased for wearing a Winnie-the-Pooh dress in the first grade. Actually, the Hello Kitty stuff started out as a gag but has kind of become one of our couple's things. Michael has never watched Hello Kitty and barely gave it a thought before we were in Target one day last year and I jokingly pointed out that they have a Hello Kitty bedspread that we should buy. No, we haven't. But I wonder if it isn't a matter of time. Check our sanity if we do though, ok?

Since then I have bought him Hello Kitty pop tarts, soap, band aids, Easter egg stuff, etc. He's gotten me some stuffed ones, a charm, contact case (which is actually cool and useful), etc. Not much, a little over a dozen items (they apparently have over 20,000). So when I saw that Torrid had Hello Kitty underwear and pajamas, I just had to get them. I surprised him with the undies earlier this week. He was highly amused.

But last night's reaction will be one of my fondest memories for years. I was saving the pjs for a special surprise. You know, that right moment kind of thing. I've bought some sexy lingerie (one red nightie is a particular favorite as it's long and sleek and so comfy) to wear for him. It makes me feel girlie too. Here's a pic of it from Torrid's site:



He's liked it all but none of it gave me last night's reaction (which I find highly amusing). When I got home from work after 11p, Michael was up watching some anime. He'd been blech all day. Earlier he had come by the mall to get some dinner with Jonathan since Jon was craving Japanese food but didn't want to get it alone (it is kind of boring to do the steakhouse thing without another person) and then Mike could bring me some. Well, Michael seemed very down and I was worried about him. He wasn't any better when I got home so I decided to take a shower and put on the pjs. He was in his office by the time I was changing so before he could come in the bedroom, I covered myself with my thermal blanket. Only problem is it's a light blue and worn so Michael could see the kitty pattern on the pants through it. But that was ok cause he just looked stunned and surprised.

I whipped off the blanket -- Michael's reaction was complete delight and laughter followed by pouncing on me with a hug and "I love you, I love you, I love you soooo much." lol Should I be worried that I don't get this kind of reaction when I wear something sexy? lmao Well, hey, it made him really happy and took the pained look from his eyes and body if only for a short while. I'd say that was worth wearing something cute. But I have to say, the outfit is surprisingly comfy. And it makes me feel 20 years younger. Oye, I'm getting old. (big grin)

Couseling Form

So, Jessica was to write up a counseling form stating that she had spoken with me about all of the stuff going on. It's just a formality. She said that it was just going to be about what we talked about in the back that night after she and Mike had their chat. Well, it wasn't just about that. Jessica included things from later on. A few of them ticked me off because they had nothing to do with the "incident". Any guilt I had about talking to HR has gone poof. Fortunately, I was able to type up a response to it all. I admitted to the things that were true and "corrected" the things that weren't or that didn't have the full picture.

Example: She pointed out that on Wednesday, May 16th, Michael had been in the store and I had been a half hour late clocking off. And that both of us had bought stuff. Michael was in, he came in right when I was supposed to get off the clock in order to buy his manga special orders that had just come in that day. I was late getting out of there because I was in the middle of something (I don't remember what) and wanted to finish it before I left. It had nothing to do with him and Jonathan rang both of us up. But she made it sound like we had broken her rule about him not being there when I was working. If you get technical, yes, but only because I was trying to finish something. Had I clocked out on time, then there wouldn't have been an issue. Excuse me for trying to accomplish a task. I know for a fact that when she was assistant manager at the other store, she did the same thing because she told me about how she would end up working extra during the week and then have to leave early on Saturdays so she wouldn't go over time.

Hell, I've worked off the clock but the company discourages that so I claim my time.

Sheesh. . .it's that petty bs that has been driving me nuts. Anyway, I work today for my normal schedule. I have off tomorrow and then work my normal on Mon and Tues and then half day on Wed. That will give me enough time to get the paperwork in and see Gaye (my nurse practitioner) since she'll be back from her break. Then I am off and away from this crap. Thank God.

Customer Loyalty

I got a call from the other HR person (the one Jessica spoke to). Jess had called her about my FMLA leave and wanted to know how to go about doing it. This was despite my printing out the instructions for her that are easy to follow. Whatever. Anyway, we ended up talking about everything and I found it interesting when she said, "I told Jessica that she does not have the right to ban anyone from the store." Really? Newsflash to me. Anyway, she is planning on getting Mike into a conference call with the other HR lady some time this week. The problem is that he is an employee and had an altercation with a manage from another store. Employee status supercedes his being a customer. It doesn't matter why the whole thing started or that it had nothing to do with him being an employee and everything to do with being my fiance. How he handled the situation is what is being questioned. In that case, Jess's disrespect of him should be questioned as well.

At any rate, no one is being written up or fired or anything over that incident. I don't know what is going to happen in regards to my report on matters that had nothing to do with this incident.

And Jessica will most likely be losing another good customer. See, I have been doing business with one of the branches of the SC Department of Education for the past two years. Jacqueline and I get along great and I know exactly what she wants and how to get it for her. She has deadlines, etc. that some times need to be met that require special attention. Even though Tony started the original account with her predecessor, she wanted to stay with me when he left (that caused problems between us). I had nothing to do with that. It was all him because he told her that she was to go with him to the other store. You don't tell Jacqueline what to do. I nearly died when she told me that last year. So, she stayed with me. And I say me and not us because I am the one she contacts.

Well, she had contacted me two weeks ago for an order. A pretty big one that helped us a lot last week. I delivered the books to her today. Jessica had offered to do it but I wanted to tell Jacqueline myself why I was taking a leave of absence. Even before I could explain, she was concerned. And when I said that I would probably end up leaving, she said that I should tell her what bookstore I end up at because she will go with me! I thought she might say that but it was really nice to hear. I've recommended that she deal with Jonathan while I'm on leave. Should I end up permanently leaving, I suggested she take her business to Patti at Columbia Mall because I know that Patti will give her the attention she needs and deserves. It's completely her choice about whether to stay with Jessica and I said I wouldn't tell her not to. But I don't think she will. Jacqueline cannot stand bossy people. And even if Jess is sweet and helpful to her, the fact that I've left is a mark against her. See the importance of customer loyalty? And all I had ever done for Jacqueline was my best job. It had never occurred to me to help her for any other reason than that she was a customer who needed certain things. I have been seeing how just being me has affected people I work for and with. It's a little mind boggling. And I am very touched that Jacqueline feels that strongly about me. It's very sweet.

It Is Agreed

So, I spoke with Jessica last night about me taking a medical leave. She was cool with me doing it. Only concern was with how we go about getting it processed. I told her that I spoke with the woman at HR about it and that she would be contacting me next week. That she had asked if I'd been to a doctor yet. No, but I did call mine on Friday. I'll call the other one tomorrow since she's been the one dealing with my most recent ailments. And she's the one concerned about the migraines. So, this should go pretty smoothly for now. I'll step back for a while and work on stuff here at home. Get the house organized (finally) and looking respectable enough for visitors. And start cracking on the dissertation.

This will give Jessica and I a break from each other. And it allows her to give Melissa extra hours (as a means of distracting her from her grief and the fact that her husband is away on business for a month) as well as Jonathan. I know they want them but we don't have them to give. And maybe she'll be able to save some for the Harry Potter event.

So, overall, this will be a good thing. If Melissa doesn't come back next week, I'll probably work at least some of it. Hopefully she will be though.

Anyway, it is late and I'm tired. I'm opening in the morning so I need to get some rest. Hopefully now that this has a resolution (however temporary it may be at the moment), I'll be able to sleep again.

Big Grins

Ah, the support of friends. I love it. Thanks all for responding. I decided that you needed your own entry here instead of listing a reply post.

Laurent, you crack me up. And Mike is a student at your school most of the time which is why his being riled up over this is such a big deal. Yes, we all go through crap with our jobs. . .none is perfect. I guess I've just been putting up with too much of it from this one for too long.

Kirsti, I hear ya. Problem is, this isn't a corporate policy. To quote our handbook from page 70: "Booksellers should discourage visits from relatives and friends during working hours." That does not say that they cannot come in at all which is what she wants. This is something Jessica wants to make a store policy but isn't adhering to herself. Last Wednesday her aunt and grandmother came in looking for her (the second time that week that someone came to visit her) and her mother was in the store with her this past Thursday. Each of them "looked around" just like Mike does but did not purchase anything. 75% of the time Mike purchases something. And when he doesn't he orders something to buy later. How can she say that this is a policy for us all but then not adhere to it herself? Plus, she said that he could come in if he is bringing me food for dinner. Um, ok. Not sure how that makes a difference. And that's what happened last night. Mike came in, I sent him for dinner, he came back, I sent him out into the mall to wait for me with the food, and then I joined him. He didn't shop this time because he has decided to take his business elsewhere. Michael wouldn't be having a problem with this if it were merely a case of him not being allowed to visit me. He understands that rule of course. He sees the issue as being against him as a customer.

Which brings me to Andi: You got it right on the head, chickie. Well, for the most part. See, the problem is, Jessica turned this into a problem that got attached to his being a company employee even though the issue didn't have anything to do with that. Hence going to HR. We each spoke with a person yesterday. Not sure how helpful she was with me when her suggestion was to talk with Jessica about issues. Been there, done that. My head is bloody from bashing that wall. Our communication level is good for about two weeks and then she starts treating me like an incompetent idiot all over again. So, no, I don't think that's going to help. And I just found out where this all probably comes from -- at her other store, that assistant's bf was coming in a lot and disrupting things. Jessica is afraid of a repeat even though I am not like the other assistant and Mike doesn't have such free time. If that was her fear, she should have talked to me about it like an adult before passing me off as guilty.

As for Mike, the HR person was confused about why this was an issue for him and why he doesn't just shop at the store he's been working at. To summarize what he said to her: 1) He's only worked at that store 4 times, 2) He's a lifelong patron of my store, 3) Our store has a better selection of what he reads (it does -- we're one of the best in Columbia for manga), and 4) Store loyalty since he hasn't developed an attachment to his store yet. This impressed HR (he thinks) and hopefully there will be resolution soon.

At any rate. . .Andi is right and it's been the question I have been asking myself. Why am I here? What is important to me right now? The answer would be my dissertation and getting my damned degree. This job was only ever meant to be temporary. I don't want to spend my life there. Can I see it as an option should I not be able to find a teaching job? Yeah. But it takes too much energy away from things I find more important. Life is too short to waste on such pursuits if they aren't making you happy.

And Andi, you made it sound like you are wasting your degree or something. You're not. You never really wanted to teach -- you wanted the knowledge that you could apply to your art (she has a PhD in music composition). Teaching was a secondary thing for you. And I've realized that it is for me too. Writing is and has always been what I've wanted. Well, by damn I'm gonna stop waffling and do it. I love teaching but I have a more driven goal than even that. But you all know how bad a procrastinator I am. Something has to kick my ass sometimes before it actually sinks into my thick skull what I should be doing. (grin)

So, I guess after all that writing, we have reached the end answer. . .moving on from that phase of my life. I got some good things out of it: friends, lots of books, experience, etc. I most especially got the best thing in my life out of it and he's in the next room writing his own blog entry. But in the end, the job has had far more negative things to come with it: no time to spend with friends or be as good a one as I want to be, little time to be a good teacher, a drain on my energy and health, no time for writing, etc. Oh, and an OCD paranoid manager with a martyr complex. I have put a lot into the store but the price has become too high. In the end, is this latest incident a big deal? No. But it was that final straw I needed to not feel bad about leaving. I have been debating the issue for months. Guess I know which side of me has won the debate.