Palmetto Bugs and Jail Breaks

I have to say that there are days when my life is very interesting in class. Take tonight for example. . .my current FJ group can get pretty darn snarky. Now, not all of the speeches tonight lent themselves to funny questions but there were enough.

The first was a speech on organ donation. Now, you would think that with such a serious topic no one would come up with any wit beyond the standard urban legend scares. Wrong. Poor guy got two odd questions. #1: "Back on February 14, 1987, a girl named _________ gave me a letter that declared that I had her heart. So, does that mean that I can have a transplant with it if she dies?" (something to that effect) The student (who is in the medical field) looked puzzled until he realized how the other meant things. Yeah, he'd been given the heart on a little smurf card. Sheesh. #2 was better: "Yeah, do you now if they harvest testicles?" "I am not aware of them being able to do testicle transplants." Now there's a King horror story waiting to be written.

Then we had our first law breaking speech of the evening because it was about radar detectors. The student claims that the first ever was called a Fuzz Buster. Is that anything like a Dust Buster? Probably not. One of the MPs asked, "Ok, what is your license # and what do you drive?" lol

One of the girls talked about eating live octopus and live blow fish. You heard me right. . .LIVE. Yuck! She even had two short videos showing people eating a still moving squid. The only thing that wasn't right was that the octopi were cut up when usually they eat them whole. Supposedly a man died from swallowing a whole one that was still full of fight and blocked up his esophagus. Yeah, sure, really wanna try eating that. And blow fish have poison in them so lots of people die every year from improperly prepared dishes. Thanks but I'll pass there too. Give me a crispy critter burger.

At the beginning of one speech, a medium-sized Palmetto bug fell from the ceiling. Now, for those of you who aren't in the know, Palmetto bugs are a cockroach. This particular one seemed a little stunned and then ventured near the speaker who unknowingly flipped it on its back (the speaker was shifty from nerves) and then squished it a few times. I was close enough to hear the crunches. Well, during the next speaker's presentation, we all got to witness the true horror of these bugs: they FLY. Now this isn't the first time that I've had one fly at me but. . .yuck! It landed on my notebook (this one was tiny). I proceeded to flip the notebook and bash the thing off of the table. Didn't kill it of course cause those suckers are hardy. The student gets extra brownie points for taking the whole brief incident in stride. But hey, teaches them about unusual distractions.

The last two speeches sort of came as a set. This did not surprise me since the two military dudes are buddies. Meep 1 opened his speech with the following Attention Getter (AG): "Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: Ireland's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed This Morning." He claimed it was from the Dublin Times but it's obviously a joke. Still, gotta give him credit for a really good AG. (I got my copy from http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/sperm.htm) In a very serious tone, he then proceeded to detail how to rob a bank. (shakes head) I shoulda known what was coming next.

So, Meep 2 decided that he would begin HIS speech with the question, "How many of you would love to spend you life in prison?" Some wit said yes. Meep 2 then launched into, "Prison Life is dangerous. Other people tell you what you can eat, when you can shower, and when you can sleep. The cells are deplorable consisting of a concrete slab and a toilet and sink. Most people spend their time pacing like caged animals. With the added dangers of shanking and sodomy there is only one acceptable solution. Break out! Breaking out of prison is in some cases the easiest way to shorten your sentence, and maybe the only way to prove your innocence. With a little careful planning and the right tools breaking out of the joint is easy. . . ." (direct quote from his outline) The funniest part was when he said that you could choose to use a pole vault or catapult but you have to be careful because you could end up landing flat on the ground or on the wall. His source? A video made by Mr. Wile E. Coyote. (rolls eyes) It was the only source he cited in the speech but he did mention a few movies on his outline. Because there was a long explanation about tunneling, some wit asked, "Should I get in contact with Morgan Freeman before I begin?" I was thinking more like the Comte de Monte Cristo but, hey, I'm a literary geek (besides, Jim Caviezel is hot in that movie).

There are days when I really love my job.